An Incompetent Cervix

Oh yes, she does

2010-04-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

I think this post belongs here vs. my other mostly empty blog. I normally don't write about family but this needs some space outside my head because it makes it hard for me to breathe.

My mother-in-law is a little socially awkward. Whenever something comes up we figure out how she'll make it about her. She never disappoints. She has made quite an effort to spend time with Spencer and it has really paid off. Every other week she comes in the afternoon and stays until dinner then helps clean up which means I get to spend time with her too.

Last visit we were in the kitchen cleaning up. My cousin is about to have a baby and we've been loading them up with baby gear. Like it or not, we're done. We tried really hard for a bigger family and it isn't in the cards. She knows we're done, I guess she just doesn't like it.

Anyway, we were talking about handing off the gear and she said "that really disappoints me, I wanted you guys to have more kids." I told her that wasn't going to happen. She said "but I really want a granddaughter. I wanted you guys to have a baby girl." No one ever acknowledges the baby we lost so I put it out there. I said "the baby we lost was a girl." She answered, and it is almost too awful to write, "but that doesn't count." I answered "it does to us."

I don't even know what to do with that. I know if I said something to her now she'd have no idea what she said to offend me. It won't change a thing about her and instead will just give her an opportunity to make this about her and how awkward it makes her feel. I can't imagine how my husband grew up with someone like her. I honestly don't think anyone has ever said something so awful to me.

something new

2009-08-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

I just created a new blog. Don't know how much I'll write -- but stop by!
http://competentmom.blogspot.com/

An annual check in

2009-07-30T12:24:00.000-07:00

Feeling more and more like writing lately. Not sure exactly about what -- but feel the need to write.

Life under my roof is great. Spencer turns four at the end of August. What a great gift he's been. Hilarious little boy who continues to beg for a baby sister. Sorry little man, we gave our best shot!

Around me things seem to be much more complicated. I think the economy has created an underlying tension that is managing to seep into everything. Our best friend couple are splitting up. There's crazy drama with my uncles in settling my grandmother's estate. We recently had a car accident that totaled our car and the next day my work announced an 8% cut and furlough. Last week we went to the beach for a picnic and a helicopter crashed into the sand about 100 yards from us. Seems to be a very surreal space I'm inhabiting.

I look back at all I covered in the blog and sometimes I feel like my story is such old news and that I should take the blog down -- just when I think that I get an e-mail from a mom who recently had a late loss. I know that after my first loss I so longed for answers, for hope. I'm just glad I can share my journey and offer a glimmer of hope. Keeping my fingers crossed for all of you.

Rock Star

2008-06-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

Snapping out of it

2008-06-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of weeks I've been cranky and while I have some legitimate reasons, I also really need to knock it off. And while I think my post-pregnancy hormones getting back to normal have something to do with it, enough is enough. Almost. Before I really move on I have to say the fact that I'm losing fists full of hair like I did after actually having a baby is annoying. The fact that I'm still having some cramping seems kharmically unfair. Wait, didn't I say I was moving on?

We shipped our pooch away a week ago (on my birthday, no less) so that has been hard. Spencer has only mentioned her a couple of times but I know he misses her. We all do. The house is oddly quiet despite having a nearly three-year-old running everywhere and screaming. A lot. We've pretty much always had a dog and I know we will again it is just a hard situation where despite our best efforts to make it work, it didn't. Biting children is just not ok. Ever. She's back on the farm where she was born (no, really) and I know she'll land in a good spot that lacks delicious children snacks.

I'm really ready for summer. We've been in the pool some and starting to entertain more. One of my dearest friends will be out for a visit later this month from NY followed immediately (that afternoon) by another dear friend who is coming from Colorado. Add a visit from my mom and stepdad into the mix and we've got a June filled with some of the people I care most about in the world.

On to June. There wasn't much pleasant about May so on to June and sunshine, picking cherries and enjoying what I have -- not longing for what I don't.

Exercise in Futility

2008-05-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

So I chatted with my friend on Friday. Her cervix is quite short (2.2 for those of you who know about such matters).

She's completely unfazed. Her doctor spoke to her about bedrest and she couldn't possibly do that because she has to work. I was pretty direct and said you don't want to lose a pregnancy at nearly five months, I promise. She feels invincible and said a couple of times "well the worst thing that can happen is I'll end up on bedrest." Um....no. Much worse.

I had the conversation because I felt like I owed it to her and I won't bring it up again. I just hope she's right.

On other fronts I'm doing ok. Still in a bit of pain a week after surgery and that makes me really mad. Enough already, really.

We're going to the Central Coast for five days starting Thursday. Will be a nice change of scenery and quiet. Then we come home and put our dog on a plane to go back to the breeder. Just yesterday Spencer called the dog his baby sister. Sorry kiddo, no baby siblings and soon no dog. I'm really worried he's going to be sad when the dog leaves but I think we've run out of options.

Lot's going on around here. None of it feels very good at the moment but I know in time we'll be back to normal. Whatever normal is.

When you know too much

2008-05-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

I have to have a conversation today I don't want to have but I must.

The same friend who just announced her pregnancy told me that her cervix is really short so they are going to watch her for the next six weeks or so. A short cervix at around 18 weeks in pregnancy. If you wonder where my mind raced to, you can look no farther than the name of this blog. I'm desperately worried about her -- and I know that I'm going to end up scaring the crap out of her but what can I do?

I need to know how long her cervix is, how they are monitoring her, etc. Does she need an emergency cerclage? Bedrest? Are they monitoring for infection? I don't know if she sees a high risk OB or not. Do I know more than he or she does? As frightening as it sounds I'd say probably.

I'm going to call her. I'm going to try my best not to scare her and I'm probably not going to succeed. It really isn't any of my business but if I can help her get past the scary zone for a loss due to an incompetent cervix I can't think of a more important thing for me to do. Why is doing the right thing always the hardest?

Insult meet injury

2008-05-14T19:15:00.000-07:00

My D & C was late yesterday. All things considered it went as well as can be expected.

Two things that feel like a sucker punch to the uterus:

Yesterday I went to work for awhile before I had to go to the hospital. I got an e-mail from a friend letting me know she's pregnant and they got the amnio results. A healthy girl. I'm happy for her, really. But the timing was just rotten. She's not a close enough friend to share what is going on with us so she'll never know just how much her news stung.

A few weeks ago I entered a giveaway on a website I frequent and found out today I won. A brand new diaperbag. Great.

One thing that did amuse me. A very dear friend e-mailed that she's very angry with my uterus. Me too. You have no idea.

Over

2008-05-08T11:35:00.001-07:00

Fourth time, not so charming.

No heartbeat. Baby stopped growing at 7 weeks.

My doctor wasn't in so we saw a new doctor. She was very sweet, giving her spiel I'm sure she gives to all parents who just miscarried. Sadly we probably have more first hand knowledge than she does about losing pregnancies. Really I just wanted to know if there was anything we needed to do/know before I speak to my doctor today. And, no, I don't think it was my fault.

I haven't heard from my doctor yet today. I'm sure the second I leave my desk she will call. I hope I can get a D&C scheduled as soon as possible. She doesn't work again until next Tuesday and I don't really want to wait until then. I considered a natural miscarriage for half a second and I don't think I can bear waiting what could be weeks for this to be over with. Plus I've heard it can be very painful and to be honest, this hurts enough.

I'm sad that mother's day is just around the corner and I'm reminded of just how astonishingly bad my odds have been for conceiving and carrying babies. I suspect we've gotten our one and only lucky break in this department and fortunately he's more than enough to make our family complete.

This sucks.

But of course

2008-05-07T12:21:00.000-07:00

I'm spotting. Not a lot, not bright red but unnerving just the same. I feel like I've written this post before! Maybe it is just what I do? I had an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning but instead will go in this afternoon. Hoping all is well, but after so many times at bat I know the possibile outcomes. So, fingers crossed. Deep breath. Ugh.

We've been a bit torn at our house lately. I think we have to find a new home for our dog. She's great with us but has this pesky habit of biting children. I'm slightly horrified at the number of kids she's nipped (I think four or five) and the last straw was last week. Spencer's friend was standing at the door ready to leave with her nanny. Gidget barreled toward them, bit the little girl on the back and kept running. What the hell?

She wasn't provoked, she wasn't defending anyone or anything, she was just acting like an ass. We're lucky she's a little dog or she could have really hurt someone by now and I wonder what we're waiting for. It is inevitable that she's going to hurt someone eventually so I think she doesn't get to have that chance. We've tried obedience classes, a private trainer and she continues to be really unpredicatable and occasionally aggressive with kids. There's an active rescue group in our area so hopefully we can find a good home for her without kids. I have no idea what we'll tell Spencer. He calls her his baby sister. Needless to say we are really sad and feel tremendous guilt but I think we're out of options.

So, feeling a little panicky and blue. Hoping that'll turn around in a few hours.

Strong heartbeat

2008-04-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

I was really anxious before my appointment but the tech eventually got around to showing me the heartbeat. It was kind of crazy, she's filling in for the regular tech and we had a short conversation about why my file was so big, why I was having an ultrasound before seeing the doctor etc. So, wand is in and she's measuring all sorts of things without reassuring me that all was fine. If I had her job I think I'd start with the reassuring news and then get on to the next business. Bottom line, heart was beating at 145bpm which is great news.

Needless to say we were very relieved. We then went upstairs to see my doctor who explained the pregnancy is measuring a little on the small side based on dates. Considering I have no idea when I ovulated I'm not surprised it isn't text book. I'll go back in two weeks to make sure things are progressing as they should.

I asked her what she thinks about another cerclage and she shrugged her shoulders and said "I have no idea." Points for honesty, but we could sure use some guidance. Hopefully we'll be able to see the perinatologist we saw last time to get some good advice. Since my cerclage wasn't really necessary last pregnancy I suspect they'll advise going without. I'm not sure I'll ever feel comfortable with that. There's always a risk putting one in, but I think I'd rather have one I didn't need instead of finding out at week 20 I really did need one. We've got some time to get some opinions before making any decisions.

My doc was a lot more interested in what our plans are for genetic testing. Last time around we had an amnio. It was an easy decision since nobody wanted to get near my cervix for a CVS test. Not so this time around. I'm leaning toward CVS. Would be great to know that all was fine chromosomally before the end of the first trimester. Certainly there are risks but from research I've done it seems nearly on par with an amnio if the provider has a lot of experience. I'd be going to one of the best in the country so it makes it fairly appealing.

I'm relieved for now. Will feel even more relieved in two weeks when we check progress.

Here we go again!

T minus 6

2008-04-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

In six days we have our first appointment.

When I spoke to my doctor she was laughing...a lot. The morning after I tested positive I called the doctor on call and he prescribed pro*metrium since I was on it last go round. Since my progesterone levels were covered the doctor agreed to wait a couple of weeks to see me.

I pushed for a couple of weeks because nothing is worse than being in a wait and see mode with an ultrasound. It is so awful to be told -- well, it looks like things are developing but we really can't tell anything. It is too early for a heartbeat, too early for anything concrete so come back in a week. I currently know everything they could tell me at an appointment -- and I'm still wearing pants.

At our appointment I'll be 7 weeks 5 days. I'm so hopeful we'll see the little flicker of a heartbeat.

Other than being exhausted I'm feeling pretty good. We just got back from a trip to DC and NYC where Spencer announced "mommy has a baby in her tummy; daddy does not." We've been careful not to talk about the pregnancy in front of him so his comment floored us. His pal's momma is pregnant so I suspect that's where it came from.

So, in a week I'll know more. Waiting is hard. I'm nervous. But I also know that what happens next week is out of my hands so I have to just hope for the best.

Finally, some direction

2008-04-05T08:03:00.000-07:00

So, by sheer chance, I figured out what to do with my blog.

How about I chronicle the unexpected pregnancy that occurred during the month that I had two colds, my husband had two colds and Spencer had pneumonia? Did we even touch each other this month? Evidently yes, but I can't seem to recall exactly when.

Stunned is what you'd call people in this house. Absolutely stunned.

Good thing I've been resetting my fertility monitor each month otherwise I'd have no idea of the first day of my last cycle. According to due date calculators I'm due on December 7.

Here we go again...hopefully number four will carry some of the same charm as number three.

Happy Easter from Spencer!

2008-03-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

Identity Crisis

2008-03-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

So, I'm not exactly what to do/say on this blog anymore.

Sure, my cervix is still incompetent. I found my blog listed on a secondary infertility list. And I think I've just about given up on the idea of another pregnancy (truth be told it has been months and months since we've even tried. Maybe resigned is a better way to state it). Regardless, where do I go from here, here?

I got damn lucky and had a beautiful baby boy. I hope and believe that my story can offer some hope for people in the throes of this crap. I remember too well the dark and sad days and am so glad I made it through. So I ask again, where do I go from here, here?

I could blog about my super amazing kid -- man he's funny. He's been talking in complete sentences in English and Spanish for awhile. The other night at dinner he declared, "I'm a grown up; I'd like a beer, please." Points for manners -- water because he's two.

This blog has had a definite point of view -- the view of getting pregnant and staying pregnant. And now I don't know if it should be another mommy blog. For starters there are a lot of them out there and I'm not sure I have a point of view that is interesting to anyone...even me. Plus I worry that if someone comes to find out how to get through this, posting pictures of my cute kid might not be what someone wants to get smacked in the face with. Then again, maybe there is something about this amazing kid with blond curly hair and a winning grin that could give someone hope and strength.

So, that's why my silence. If you have an opinion one way or the other, I'm all ears!

Scenes from Halloween

2007-11-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

I realize it has been ages since I've updated -- maybe because there's not much to update. I think we've officially stopped trying -- at least for now. I haven't taken a peak at my ovulation predictor kit in two months and I keep thinking of things I can give my friend who just had a baby. It all feels pretty good. I'm off to the east coasti n the morning -- will be the longest I've been away from my guys. They have so much fun I'll bet they forget to miss me! I hope so anyway.

Until I return and post a proper update, here's Spencer!

Times five

2007-09-11T00:02:00.000-07:00

Sunday marked the fifth anniversary of losing our first baby. The day came and went without much fanfare. I feel sad, but that lessens as time passes. I drafted this tonight for the N*P*R segment "This*I*believe." I'm not sure I'll submit it -- just seemed a good opportunity to reflect on where we've been...now to figure out where we're going!

I believe that my quest to have a child has taught me patience, compassion and humility.

What I can’t believe is that five years have passed since I lost my first pregnancy at nearly five months. A baby girl, perfect in everyway, yet too small to make it on her own. The doctor’s labeled my cervix incompetent. What does one say to that?

We soldiered on, hoping that one day we would grow our family. A year passed and I was pregnant again. I lost the pregnancy at eight weeks. There were two of them -- twins. The year between losing our baby girl and getting pregnant again seemed torturous. In retrospect, it probably saved me. Enough time had passed that I didn’t completely fall apart as I scheduled the operating room visit necessary to complete my miscarriage.

Another year passed. We still were desperate to be pregnant. We weren’t. I had to schedule another operating room visit, this time to remove an ovarian cyst.

When I think back to those days my memories feel heavy and dark. We lived our lives. We traveled. We loved each other. But we were pretty beat-up from our losses.

And then I was pregnant again.

At 13 weeks my doctor sewed my cervix shut with what is called a cerclage -- we called it “operation baby jail.” I expected to be on bedrest starting during the 16th week in my pregnancy; instead I worked up until the day I was admitted to the hospital – one week past my due date.

We are finally parents. Our son is a precocious and amazing little boy who just turned two.

I can’t help but wonder what life would be like as the mother of an almost five-year-old, or the mother of three-year-old twins. What I do know is that my life would be dramatically different, but I can’t imagine it being any better.

Most of all, I believe that the weight of our two-year-old son sleeping upon my chest, blond curls tickling my face, could replace the heaviness I still feel about our losses. But I don’t think that would be fair – our history is our history. It has made us the family we are.

Two sides of two

2007-09-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

Spencer just turned two and we had a great celebration for him. Who am I kidding? It was for us. We had a swimming party with a taco truck, beer, wine and water of course -- and the obligatory cake and ice cream. Really it was a good excuse to have a fun end of summer party and much to my delight, people respected our request to not bring gifts.

It is great fun being the mother of a two-year-old. Spencer is starting to develop a sense of humor and tease. We used to sing together "the only thing I eat that's blue are..." and he would fill in "blueberries." Now he says tomatoes. And yes, he knows they aren't blue which is what makes it funny. Hilarious even -- he's very amused by his own cleverness.

He counts and knows colors in English and Spanish, knows some shapes and knows his alphabet in Spanish (if I was at all competitive with the nanny I'd work on English -- but isn't that what kindergarten is for?) and just started playing hide-and-seek with stuffed animals and pretends he's a baby or a cow or dog or cat. He gives great hugs, sticky kisses and is a good eater. At his recent well baby check he told his doctor he likes "broccoli, and ICE CREAM. Special treat. Ice cream." In the same appointment he declared "naked running, like it!" But really, who doesn't?

So he's adorable, sweet, amazing and two. With two comes a whole host of challenges. In no particular order:
1. He hits. For no real reason. His friends, his parents, the dog. It makes me nuts and we haven't been successful in stopping him. We reason, redirect, etc. and to let us know he's heard us loud and clear he hits again.
2. He insists on pushing the stroller and to be honest, he's a terrible driver.
3. He throws tantrums and food and shoes. Last night he threw a bite of salmon that stuck to the wall. We try not to react -- but that was funny. He also takes his shoes off in the car and throws them into the front seat. One landed directly on my shoulder the other day. That was funny too.
4. He's brutally honest. He tells people he doesn't like them (including his cousin and grandma) and we walked into a party on Saturday and he announced "go home now." Which were my sentiments exactly but instead I made nice with the people in renaissance dress (and no, it was not a costume party -- but tell that to the dude in the yellow dress).

And he's perfect just the way he is. Happy Birthday my boy.

Dusting off the keyboard

2007-08-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

Been too long since I've updated, I think because I can't quite wrap my head around having another baby or not.

This month I don't even think I ovulated so it sometimes seems that the conversation that goes round and round in my head is a little pointless. When I last spoke to my doctor she suggested trying IUI next go round. My FSH came back at 9.2 which isn't great, but doesn't mean game over -- yet anyway.

The funny thing are the conversations my husband and I have had about this. We have had non-stop company so we have only had 30 seconds here or there but after I spoke with my doctor I sort of figured what do we have to lose? Husband wasn't so sure -- honestly I think because he would have to go to a lab and make a deposit and it is better if only I have to go through the poking, prodding and surgery. That and he's seemed a whole lot more reconciled with the idea of no more kids. Slowly but surely I've been coming around. The thought of giving away all his baby clothes doesn't feel like a solid blow to the stomach any more, and the thought of going back to the sleepless nights just doesn't sound so fun. So I'm thinking no.

Yesterday we had Spencer's 2nd birthday party. 2! deserves its own post but after we went to bed my husband said about the kid thing, and I replied yeah, we done? He said the thought that we won't ever throw a 2-year-old birthday party again makes me sad, let's go for it. I don't even know what to think. If we do go forward I think we need some ground rules and limits for how far we'll go and how many times we'll try. I'll call my doctor tomorrow and find out what we'ld need to do. I'm a little envious of people who know for certain they are done. Would be a lot simpler and I wouldn't waste all this ridiculous time trying to figure it out.

The best thing about the party yesterday. My mom asked a friend of mine if we were going to have more kids since she really can't ask me. I have to say that one benefit of having to work so hard to have a baby is that people are too afraid to ask. Amusing.

A May/December Relationship -- with myself

2007-06-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

I had my annual exam on Wednesday and left the doctor's office with two prescriptions in hand -- one for clomid and one for a mammogram.

I find it a jarring juxtoposition. How can I be old enough to need a mammogram and yet think I'm young enough to have another baby?

When to call it?

2007-06-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

So we decided to take a break from Clomid this cycle because it has been such a stressful endeavor each month reaching my doctor to get a prescription called in, etc. And really, we never had a plan since the first time we talked about clomid I was on cycle day three and started taking clomid (and stopped nursing) within about eight minutes of talking to my doctor.

It is time for my annual appointment so I figured we'd take this month off, have a sane conversation with her about what she thinks our odds really are and then come up with a plan. I made an appointment, which turns out to be on day 12. When we spoke last month she suggested that this month we do an ultrasound on day 12 and maybe stimulate ovulation. I immediatelyl climbed back on the clomid bandwagon -- but then was reminded that my husband is traveling again and last month's hasty popping of the little white pill would likely yield the same -- as in nada.

We've had a couple of conversations about moving forward. We are so happy with our family of three and are not interested into having to try too hard for a baby -- whatever that means. In my heart of hearts I do want another -- but at the same time the idea of not going through another pregnancy, year of not sleeping etc. doesn't sound too bad either.

Plus as far as we know, my cervix is still incompetent.

I feel like I got extremely lucky last pregnancy. The kind of luck that doesn't usually come my way. And I got everything I ever wanted -- a healthy baby boy. He's amazing and adored and perfect. And how can we expect to do any better?

After three failed clomid cycles I'm feeling less than optimistic. There's a huge part of me that wants to just call it and not try for another. But I think about giving away all our baby stuff and it makes my breath quicken and chest feel heavy. I think of Spencer never having a sibling and my heart feels heavy.

I just don't know what is the best thing for our family. I feel like I'm leaning toward being done but I don't know how to completely get there.

I looked at my drawer of pregnancy-related supplies (sticks, oh the lovely sticks) and can't imagine not having them as part of my monthly existance. We've been at this for seven (!) years. Maybe enough is enough. But then again....(play, rewind. play, rewind).

It can all be traced back to this one moment

2007-05-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

The boy had his first victory since he's decided to be a wee contrarian.

He goes to class with Poppa on Wednesday afternoons. Or rather he did until yesterday. He said no, he cried, said no again and got away with it. Poppa ended up leaving Spencer with our nanny and off they went to the park. Two adults got bowled over by one tiny munchkin. When we look back and wonder when we completely lost control, this will be the moment we can pinpoint.

It is great because we can blame Poppa and our nanny. I'm not sure who we can blame for the fact that we can't get him to stop hitting no matter what we do. He's got it down. He hits, then rubs where he hit you saying "niiiiiice" not unlike Borat. It is kind of hilarious, except for the hitting part. That's not funny at all. But the Borat part? Funny as hell -- that alone is worth getting struck.

He's almost two and we're in big trouble!

Insane and apparently stupid

2007-05-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

So my devil may care dive into the next round of clomid was perhaps a bit shortsighted. When I talked to my doctor we discussed next cycle coming in on day 12 and doing an ultrasound and giving me a trigger shot if there was a follie. With the momentum of the swinging pendulum behind me I suggested that maybe we should try that THIS month. That I'd make an appointment and see her in a week and, and, and...

Something occured to me last night. My husband? Gone next week.

So not only does it not make sense to trigger on day 12, it didn't make sense to take clomid at all this month. I think he's back on day 15 so maybe we have a chance but unlikely.

I'll be so surprised when the clomid experiment fails. I'm such a moron.

Pizza

2007-05-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

A new Sunday evening tradition for the boys.

Wildly swinging pendulum

2007-05-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

I'm stopping by the pharmacy to pick up another round of clomid to start tonight.

I'm insane.

Already taking a break

2007-05-14T15:37:00.000-07:00

So the doomed cycle was, indeed, doomed. I was supposed to get a blood draw 7 days after ovulation but that was on a Saturday -- and of course day three is today, Monday, and my doctor doesn't work today. Instead of dealing with the frustrating/aggravating task of trying to get a prescription filled I'm just going to sit this month out.

I'm feeling so conflicted about another baby. I'm so madly in love with my son and our family and it really would be fine to stop now. But in the same breath, I want another one, I just don't know how hard I'm willing to try.

We were paid a very big complement by a family friend. He's a very thoughtful, sensitive guy and he's always trying to figure out how you really are. He asked lots of questions and said, you guys have it all -- you are living in the moment. You aren't looking for a new house or new jobs, you are happy with what you have. So true, and yet...

I'm due for my annual check up next month so I think I'll make an appointment, really talk about how successful/unsuccessful she thinks we'll be and leave with a prescription in hand. I already know that the next steps involve seeing in RE and I think we'll probably decide to be done at that point. I guess the thing is how do you know when it is time to pack in the sticks?

frustrated

2007-04-17T23:17:00.000-07:00

So, no call back from my doctor's office yesterday, but I did hear from her today.

She hadn't received the details of my messages left yesterday but was fine with my starting clomid today. They are now electronically connected with my pharmacy and she executed the prescription when we were on the phone.

I went to pick up the prescription after work only to learn that they never got it. I know she tried -- but of course it was too late in the day to reach the office.

So I guess I'm starting on day 5. This cycle is feeling doomed before it starts!

When day 27 and day one are the same

2007-04-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

Remember last post when I was just about giddy with hope? The one where I called my ultrasound tech prescient? Ha ha, that was a good one.

I'm now on day three and vacillating between panic that I'll never have another child and panic that I will. Maybe not this month though...my doctor only works Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and I have the great good fortune of hitting day three of my cycle on a Monday -- and so far I've been unsuccessful at getting her nurse to call me back. Well, I would have had a baby in January, but my doctor doesn't work on Mondays.

In other news, my sweet lad has been sick the last couple of weeks. Cold, possible stomach bug (or just cough-induced puking) and an ear infection. The antibiotics led to other intestinal distress and a nasty diaper rash. He seems much better and the other night dozed off saying "happy, happy, happy."

Now if we can just get him to stop hitting his friends and the dog we'll all be doing well.

Here's hoping I end my day with a clomid-induced brain-splitting headache.

On deck

2007-03-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

I had my ultrasound yesterday. I've got a lovely egg 2.4 cm just ready to start its journey from my right ovary. My lining is nice and thick.

According to Susan, my ultrasound tech, I'll be pregnant by nightfall. She's very sweet and optimistic and wow wouldn't that be something if she was right. She is the one who detected Spencer's gender at the very wee age of 14 weeks-ish so I'd like to believe in her prescience.

I had quite a wait for my appointment and on that topic, what the hell is wrong with women who go nuts about having to wait for an ultrasound or your ob? I know what happened, someone lost their baby that morning and she needed our doctor and the tech a lot more than we did. I've been the woman in the back causing havoc on the day's schedule and clearly those having a tantrum at the poor receptionist are part of that carefree group who doesn't get what can happen. I find their naivete tedious at best and a part of me wanted to tell them all the bad things that could happen to them -- or more importantly, me!

My favorite part was chatting a bit with a woman I was sitting next to -- she was there for a first trimester scan and had needed to come back to see Susan. I didn't ask why, but figured they anticipated something might be wrong so I was so happy to see her emerge with pictures. Pictures are always good. She reported that the nuchal fold was ok...next up amnio. It felt so familiar and I was so happy for her -- thrilled really. I even got teary-eyed. It is entirely possible she thought I was nuts, but instead I think it was an important moment for both of us/ a kindred spirit on the same path -- knowing where we are going, just uncertain how we'll get there.

Swinging Doors

2007-03-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

I'm anxious.

I'm resigned to the fact that I probably won't get pregnant again. But terrified that I will. What are the odds of having two healthy pregnancies in a row? I mean for me, not the rest of the world. I can't help but imagine another miscarriage, or worse yet learning that there is something wrong later in pregnancy.

For the past two days images have popped into my head about all my losses, and surgeries, and, and, and finally a healthy baby but of course in an emergency situation.

I'm always on a gurney, looking down at my feet as we hit the swinging double doors and into the operating room. I'm never sure which experience I'm going to be reliving...delivering my daughter at 5 1/2 months, having the post-miscarriage d&c, surgery to remove the cyst, placement of the cerclage, removal of the cerclage or emergency c-section.

The closest thing I've had to a normal pregnancy is the one that was cut short. The rest have been white knuckle rides. So I wonder why my head is doing this to me -- to brace myself in case there is another harrowing journey? Or is it to convince myself I'm not brave enough to give it a try?

We might be stopping at one

2007-03-23T11:43:00.000-07:00

I spoke to my doctor who had the results of my FSH test. Creeping up there is how she described it. It is 10.4 -- and her usual cut off for patients is 10. I'm still nursing a bit so she thinks that may have resulted in a higher number. She also said if we are feeling panicky about getting pregnant then she can refer us to an RE.

Instead what we'll do is try a few cycles on clomid, retest my fsh next month when I'm not nursing and go from there. I can't imagine doing IVF and said, and I believe, "if Spencer is all the only child we have, we consider ourselves extremely lucky." I also said I was somewhat ambivalent abouthaving another which is the wrong word -- but I've yet to find a better one. I'd love another baby but if it isn't in the cards, I'm completely content.

The thing that makes me the saddest is that we've had to stop nursing. We were only nursing just before bed and first thing in the morning and I think we're pretty close to stopping, but when I spoke to my doctor and started clomid the same day it made the decision for us. I haven't nursed him in two days. Nightime isn't too bad, but cutting out the morning session makes him really sad. And it makes me sad and also feel a little selfish.

Granted he's almost nineteen months and it is pretty close to time to stop, I had to make that decision abruptly. No gentle tapering off -- but cold turkey. And cold turkey for something that in all likelihood won't work. I think it is going to be tougher on me than him.

Add all that to a splitting clomid headache and some topsy-turvy hormones and what you have is someone who just wants to admit defeat, curl up on the couch and weep a little. While at the same time feel delighted that I have such a great family that is perfect as is.

Here we go again

2007-03-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

Off to the doctor for day three FSH and Estrogen test
Then to pharmacist to pick up clomid
Ultrasound scheduled for Friday, March 30

We'll plan to stop by the hospital on Christmas morning to pick up our bundle of baby.

Think Picasso's mom made him clean up?

2007-02-23T13:25:00.000-08:00

Heard at my house this morning

2007-01-24T10:23:00.000-08:00

Dadda: "Do you put headbands on Spencer?"
Momma: "No, he can put them on himself."

In other news, no need to buy four seats on the airplane just yet. Maybe next month.

Perhaps not so ambivalent

2007-01-23T12:47:00.000-08:00

So here I am on day 32, four days late and nothing to show for it. I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. I'm almost positive that I've never reached day 32 and not been pregnant.

I was hesitant to test this morning because I was afraid I would get a negative and afraid of how I would react. For the most part I'm ok, puzzled really. But every now and then I start to feel that almost panicky feeling that starts in your belly and slowly creeps upward and threatens to choke the life out of you. In years past it would have, I would have felt awful. Instead I just feel a little troubled and a lot distracted.

I am in such a different place now, the outcome of the test isn't so loaded, but the way I used to plan for the future hasn't changed. Already I've thought about when I'd deliver and if the baby would make the start of school cut off. If not, he'd (wow, typed that without thinking -- could be a she I guess)two or three years behind Spencer in school. I've thought about how we'd now need more than one row of seats in an airplane for vacation. I guess dad will take one and I'll take the other. If there is another.

I want to welcome a baby into our home next fall. I really do. I guess I'd only thought I was ambivalent about another baby. Or maybe it took a few months to get on the band wagon. Regardless, I'm on board. Wish me luck.

2007-01-19T18:12:00.000-08:00

Because you are never too young

Shamelessly exploiting his love for the word no

2007-01-04T15:01:00.000-08:00

Spencer 1; Daddy 0

I should know better than to leave those two alone!

At least I know I'm overreacting...

2007-01-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

When I was pregnant with Spencer we were so worried that something would go wrong that we waited, and waited and waited to buy things for him. To provide some context, I didn't pack my bag for the hospital until I was a week overdue and advised by my doctor to go directly from her office the hospital. In hindsight not the smartest thing I've done, but whatever...

One of the things I really wanted to do was knit him a sweater. It was a topic of discussion many times in our home and finally at about the 8-month mark I started knitting. I made him a perfectly lovely navy blue sweater with a shawl collar.

I've made him many things since then, but there was so much wrapped up in that sweater. It is so symbolic of a time when we were equally filled with hope and dread. With each stitch a prayer that we'd have a baby to wear the sweater. It meant a lot and he wore it as a 6-month-old, and he wore it over the weekend. Somehow it still fits and I love it -- or rather loved it.

I've asked our nanny several times to not wash hand knit items but she did anyway and ruined the sweater. It is now this tiny felted thing that might fit a stuffed animal. She feels terrible and I am devastated. I'd never let on how upset I am. It was an accident and my guess is she'll leave hand knits alone from now on. But still...

When I discovered the sweater my mother-in-law was over so I couldn't react how I wanted to react. Instead I couldn't stop thinking about it -- and kept feeling tears sting my eyes. I know it is only a sweater and intellectually I know it isn't such a big deal but it represents so much.

Here's a photo of Spencer at 7-months-old wearing the sweater his momma made with all her hopes and dreams. I'm so glad he came true.

The sweetest thing

2006-12-23T20:22:00.000-08:00

I just put Spencer to bed. On the verge of sleep, he stopped nursing and blew me a kiss before he dozed off. It made me cry.

No shortage of chaos

2006-12-11T12:47:00.000-08:00

On Friday I was driving home and my cell phone rang. It was our nanny calling -- I had a hard time hearing her because of piercing noise in the background followed by a computer generated voice and much laughter from the boy.

It seems he pushed the red button on the alarm pad. The alarm that we don't use.

She told me the name on the keypad and I called information. Did you know Veriz*n doesn't automatically dial the number for you any more? Instead for a small fee they'll send it to you in a text message. It is bad enough I'm making calls while driving, but I'm going to then add reading a text message and dialing? Not safe! So I waited.

I got home and you really couldn't hear the alarm outside, but inside it was pretty loud. I was worried about Spencer's ears so I had he and the nanny go to an extreme corner of the house. I pulled out the phone book and called the company. The company is now owned by the alarm company that begins with A for assholes.

I spoke to someone who instructed me to find the large metal box tucked away in one of the closets that i could open with the key cleverly kept on top of the box. Except there was no key.

I called back and was told that because the account isn't in our name, there was absolutely nothing they could do. Nothing. I asked if the alarm would ever stop ringing. She said no. Then asked if she could help with anything else. No, really, you've done enough.

My next call was to my husband who is still out of town. I knew he once got some house information from our realtor and I thought maybe, just maybe he'd kept it. But when you are in a bar on the other side of the country from your family it is impossible to hear your phone. So I called the realtor in case she had the old code. No such luck.

By then the alarm had been going off for 45 minutes. My head was pounding, Spencer was fussy and signing for milk and I thought I was going to have to call a locksmith. Instead I went and got tools. With screwdriver and wrench in hand I tried to get the box open. Because the box was so shallow I couldn't get any leverage to get the cover off. I then went and to a hammer and pried the stupid thing open and shut off the alarm.

I then sent the nanny on her way and went to a friend's house for dinner. I walked in, handed off the baby and poured a glass of wine before I even spoke. What a night! What a week!

Husband is back now so I'm sure we'll have a quiet, calm week with no incidents.

Picture this

2006-12-06T23:07:00.000-08:00

I think I saw this in a commercial once...

Tonight while I was changing a poopy diaper the dog started barfing on the rug in the boy's room. I finished with the diaper change and then threw another diaper on the puke to stop the dog from eating the evidence.

I put the boy in his pajamas and went into the bathroom to dump the contents of the first diaper into the toilet (still using cloth) with the dog and baby in tow. I dashed to grab something to clean the rug and left the boy and dog in the bathroom. There is a toilet lock, there is no poison. Just a roll of toilet paper. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

I hurriedly cleaned up while listenining to Spencer giggle and stomp. I imagined what he was up to, but what do you do? I walked out of his room and had to step over the toilet paper ribbon that crossed the hall. I then followed the trail as it draped over the eames chair and rested on the ottoman. From there it rounded another chair and reached into the dining room. Spencer and the dog were sitting at the base of his highchair, each shredding their own little pile of white quilted goodness.

I had two observations.

1. There's no bathroom-related activity that would require the strength of our current toilet paper.
2. I miss my husband when he is out of town and admire women who chose to take parenting on alone.

I can't believe she's gone

2006-12-05T11:40:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago a friend died. She was 40 and had a 2 1/2 year old daughter. She was brutally murdered.

20+ years ago I met her in Boston. She was roommates with a lifelong friend of mine. They stayed close -- and as a result we stayed close. Close in the way friends do who share a close friend.

The first time I was pregnant so was she. She had a miscarriage, I admired how well she handled the loss and couldn't imagine going through such a thing. Then I lost my pregnancy. She was so clear on the differences of how profound each of our losses was -- hers at a few weeks, mine at five months. It was a perspective that many other friends who had miscarried didn't see but she did and added the words that I couldn't quite come up with. It was different, she got that. She and her husband just started trying again. She had a miscarriage a couple of months ago.

Building our family was about the only path we traveled together -- her world was a far different one than mine. She acted, directed and wrote movies. I worked in politics and now in the health field. Months, even years would go by without us speaking, yet each week I knew what she was up to -- I assume she kept similar tabs on me. And even though over the past few weeks there's not a single chance I would have spoken to her, I miss her terribly.

Our last real conversation was a few months ago. We talked about how much we loved our babies -- how we hoped for the sake of other children that their mothers felt the intense and profound love we felt. We also marveled at the odds of her having the most beautiful girl ever born, and me having the most beautiful boy ever born. What were the odds?

I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is that her little girl will only remember what we tell her about her mother. And I weep for A. because she'll never get to see her baby grow up.

Requisite photo from pumpkin patch visit

2006-10-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

So it was a parking lot covered in straw. But he doesn't know that!

My favorite time of day

2006-10-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

As we come to the end of winding down for the night, when the bath has been taken, books have been read and the dancing, oh the dancing, has stopped for the day, that's my favorite time.

We go in the guest room to nurse. We begin very actively, with Spencer wiggling around, pinching me, laughing with his mouth full. We are actively engaged with each other. I sing and stroke his head as the night gets more still and more quiet.

Soon he'll be gazing out the window, his breathing getting slower and deeper. That's when I find myself looking out the window too, lost in my own thoughts.

I watch him as he gets more settled in, eyes getting narrower, his movements less frenetic. He no longer pinches, but instead lays a hand on my arm or my chest or simply holds my hand. I tell him how wonderful he is, how much I love him while stroking his face or head. He'll grab my hand and hold it there or push it away. And soon, very soon, his eyes will close as he drifts to sleep.

After I unlatch him, we lay on the bed together, nose to nose. Him sleeping, me studying the lines of his face in the darkening light. I breathe in deeply catching a hint of sunscreen from an earlier park visit, or the smell of his shampoo if it is bath night.

I love that time of night as he settles into deeper and deeper slumber nestled in my arms before I move him to the crib and continue with my night. I stay there longer than I need to and relish the time when it is just the two of us and nothing else in the world matters. I love my boy.

Ambivalently Trying

2006-09-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

I dusted off the ovulation predictor kit, spent $50 on sticks and now we're back in the game. I was mostly interested to see if I am ovulating as I'm still nursing, and lo and behold, an egg on day 14.

I do want another baby, but it seems rather soon. When you factor in my age (Gasp! 40!) and how long it is likely to take for us to conceive (forever?), the timing is right to get back in the game. So here we go.

I'm feeling rather ambivalent now, but in another 14 days I don't know how disappointed I'll feel if I'm not pregnant, but I do know I'll feel happy if I am. Definitely a new experience for me after spending three years in an almost constant state of panic about getting pregnant. We'll see how many months it takes to get over the calm and back to mania.

One short year, 365 long nights

2006-09-06T14:58:00.000-07:00

I've reached the end of Spencer's first year with as much awe as when we began. This perfect little creature has blossomed into a sweet little boy; quick with a smile, a giggle and a shout.

He says momma, dada, banana (!), dog and all done. He knows what some of those words mean, but not all. I can say "kisses for momma" or "besitos para momma" and I get sticky open mouth kisses. He knows shoes, zapatos and is positively overjoyed when he sees a dog. He shrieks, giggles and shouts "dogog."

He is still nursing and has recently become much more aggressive in his pursuit of milk. He now will pull my shirt collar open, smile at me, look down my shirt and say mmmm....and when I ask if he wants milk he just giggles. We've started transtitioning him to cow's milk during the day, and I can't wait for the day (soon, very soon)that I can stop pumping at work. It has been more than a year. Enough is enough! We'll still nurse in the morning, evening and sadly, during the night.

For three nights in a row he has only woken up once during the night. I'm hoping that this new pattern takes because I am in desparate need of sleep. In the past year I have had one six hour stretch of sleep -- and that was a long, long time ago.

The year has been my most rewarding yet. I'm so proud of my sweet boy, and so proud of myself for hanging in there and giving him nothing but breast milk for his first year. I'm proud of my husband for how hard he tries to be the best dadda he can be, and I'm most proud of the family we've become. In sum, a perfect year. I'm so lucky and so grateful.

Been there, did it better

2006-08-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

Maybe it is the same with stay at home moms, but I definitely feel judged by my female colleagues at work. I am forever being teased about something or other (yesterday it was that I'm uninteresting, and that the baby is a terrible sleeper. Yeah, no shit). I usually just agree, because mainly they are right. These are women who are kind and compassionate but I think they remember doing a much better job at parenting then they perceive I'm doing.

Mainly I don't care, because this really isn't a competition. But on the days when I've not slept much, I don't want to hear about how my door has been closed an awful lot for pumping or that what I really need to do is x, y or z. Instead it would be really nice for them to acknowledge what a great job we are doing to raise a robust, sweet and happy baby -- or maybe just not say anything at all.

Working mom guilt

2006-07-28T11:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like complete and utter shit.

My baby is sick. He's on antibiotics to address a respiratory illness. The antibiotics initially made him throw up, now he has terrible diarrhea. We tried him on acidophilus but only got one dose in before he stopped eating. He'll still nurse, and he's drinking bottles, but he's getting dehydrated and it it scaring me a lot. And I'm at work.

I talked to the doctor and we are going to discontinue the antibiotics. I talked to our nanny and he drank a bottle and ate a little yogurt and is now sleeping. And I'm at work.

When you are sick you want your momma. I feel so utterly selfish right now. I didn't have to work -- but then we moved and now I have to. Mainly it feels like my working is the best option for our family. But not today.

Waving the white flag

2006-07-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

I think we are coming to the end of cloth diapers. They have been great and I feel like using them has been a gift to the environment but I have to tell you, diapering the baby is like roping a calf.

He hits the changing pad and rolls and crawls away. By the time you get him back on his back, he's up again. And with cloth diapers there are many steps, getting diaper folded, on him, snappi in place and then the diaper cover. By the time he's got a diaper on, we are sweating and exhausted from all the wrestling. I've finally resorted to giving him the bottle of his favorite fruity treat -- tylen*l -- to play with. And I'm aware that his gnawing on the rubbery part of the dropper could end with a call to poison control -- plus it only works as a distraction some of the time.

If we do abandon the cloth we'll use chlorine bleach free dipes to keep some of the liberal guilt at bay.

Wondering if he'll ever stop being a reminder of what could have been.

2006-07-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant the first time, I was pregnant with two friends. Not close friends, but good enough friends that I couldn't avoid them and their expanding bellies after we lost our baby. It was extremely painful to be around them and gut wrenching once the babies arrived.

Since then it has become a lot less painful, but never ceases to be a reminder of what could have been. I study these boys (now both three) and wonder how our little girl's personality would have been. Would she have been funny? Smart? Clever? I don't really see either Charlie or Gus -- I see a reminder that I should have one of those.

We now live across the street from Charlie and I see him every day. He's charming and funny and really sweet and my heart lurches just a bit each and every time I see him. It isn't horrible, but it is sad. And I think sad for Charlie because can I really be interacting with this kid when I'm intently studying how big his feet are and marveling at his exanding vocabulary? I find it all a little exhausting and, again, a lot sad. Hopefully with time he'll get to just be Charlie and not a reminder of my little girl who never got to ride a trike or run through the sprinkler or make me laugh.

Very busy

2006-07-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure my baby is really a baby anymore! He is so big and strong and busy! He wakes up and is instantly on his knees, pulling up on the side of the crib or on our headboard. Changing a cloth diaper on a moving target is challenging and I can only imagine what it will be like when he's truly walking.

He'll only sit still for a split second as he comtemplates how to get where he wants to go. He is so excited to explore and does so with such wonder. He emptied my bag yesterday with such relish, squeeling as he was tossing paper after paper over his shoulder. He can stand on his own for a few seconds -- but only if he doesn't realize that he's standing on his own and he now runs when you walk him around holding his arms.

I'm so proud of my big strong boy -- but I miss my quiet cuddly guy. Luckily (!) he's been awake for at least an hour at 3:00am for the last few nights so I get my quiet time. I love the time, but really will be glad when Mr. Busy decides to sleep through the night.

My son's social life

2006-06-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

When I go to work I have a whole life separate from my home life. I didn't realize that my son does too!

We have a terrific nanny and live near a park. Everyday they go the park at noon and the nanny's all have lunch together and the kids play. Spencer has a little circle of friends I've never laid eyes on.

It is quite sweet, the nanny's throw birthday parties for their kids. Yesterday was Jack's first birthday party. I bought a gift and a card for him from Spencer and imagine his parents wondering who Spencer is, much as I wonder about little Jack.

The end of an era

2006-06-16T11:27:00.000-07:00

In the last two weeks I turned 40 and moved into a new house.

It almost seemed fortuitous that the last night in our house Spencer didn't sleep much. I sat in his nursery rocking him, and thinking about the last decade of my life, seven of those years spent in our little house.

It was a mixed decade -- lots of good things happened, but so did lots of bad. Personally we had lots of heartaches and losses, but we managed to grow closer as a couple. He is my love, my rock, and now the father of my child. We got our happy ending in that house.

Professionally I hit my stride in my 30s. I now have a job I love, a boss I love and the seniority to do my work without anyone getting in my way. I can come in late and leave early if I need to -- the perfect job for a working mother.

We made a great investment in that little house. We made a ridiculous amount of money so we were able to spend a ridiculous amount of money on our new house where we are getting settled.

I'm older and wiser. I'm happier, but still a little sad just below the surface. I've lost a lot, but I've also gained. I'd like to think that this is a new beginning, the end of a time when bad things happen. Unfortunately because of the bad things, I'm not naive enough to believe it.

Another?

2006-05-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

How do you decide if you want baby number two?

I adore being a momma, Spencer is a wonderful baby who aside from not being a great sleeper is very easy. Juggling work and home has its challenges but the bottom line is, I'm happy. Blissfully happy. And I wonder about upsetting the apple cart.

Of course it may be a moot point since it was such a difficult journey to have him. I don't know who I'm kidding pondering 'do I want another' as though it was as easy as just making a decision. But divorcing myself from reality, I'm just not sure.

I always thought I'd have two kids. Recently we were out to breakfast and watched an older couple dote on their 10-year-old kid. They were so indulgent and I can only imagine that the kid was an absolute brat. I leaned over to my husband and said we should really have another so we don't ruin Spencer. But surely you can have an only child and not become overly indulgent, can't you?

I'm on the eve of turning 40, I have an appointment with my ob-gyn next week and I know she'll ask what my plans are. Realistically I don't have the luxury of time. If I want to go down this path, I need to get started.

But how do you know?

Feeling anxious

2006-05-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

There is a lot going on and more than anything I think writing would be cathartic -- but I can't seem to find the time.

The baby is great -- almost nine months and I don't have any legitimate complaints, just have been feeling overwhelmed. We bought a new house and are trying to sell our current one. We had two offers that we countered over the weekend and I think they are both gone (one was flaky to begin with and the other wanted the close of her current property as a contingent). So, back to square one.

Work is way too busy for my liking, we feel like guests in our own home since we have to keep it spotless for showing and I can't find anything! Oh, and we're about to own two houses in one of the most expensive housing markets in the country.

Solid Food Scorecard

2006-03-22T11:07:00.000-08:00

Spencer has been eating solid foods for a couple of weeks now. We haven't been particularly successful at introducing many foods, but he is currently a big fan of sweet potatoes and peas. It seems that all foods make him gassy so we've started giving him mylicon. It makes me wonder if maybe his little belly isn't ready. He's totally into the foods he's eating -- just has had some adverse reactions.

The Scorecard:

Rice Cereal: Very, very bad. Major constipation and gas.

Sweet potatoes: Good.

Carrots: Bad. Very gassy and screaming with his back arched.

Green Beans: Very Bad. Started screaming and threw up.

Peas: Good.

Next up oatmeal.

Literally heartbreaking

2006-03-17T13:15:00.000-08:00

On the cover of last Sunday's Los Angeles Times was the photo of a man listening to a baby's heart through a stethoscope. The baby wasn't his, the baby's heart was.

There was a tragedy in Florida that saved the life of a baby in Los Angeles. The baby in Florida was accidentally smothered by a pillow. He was in a vegetative state and his parents pulled the plug and donated his organs. Because of that, another baby gets to live.

I admire the parents of the boy for their selflessness. But I can't imagine listening to the heart of your baby beating inside another. I just can't.

Reading the article made me weep and I can't talk about it without crying. My heart just aches for the parents. I'm haunted by this sad, sad story and I can't get the image of the father out of my mind.

6 months old

2006-02-27T10:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Spencer,

Today you turned 6 months old. 6 months!

We started the day with a trip to the pediatrician. You weigh 17 lbs. 7 oz. and you are 26 inches long. Right about at 50th percentile for both weight and height. You only had to have two shots instead of the usual four. The first you didn't even notice. During the second one you froze, your eyes got really big and then came the crying. Not as much this time -- and for the first time I didn't cry at all. Brave mommy.

You get to start solid foods today. We'll start with rice cereal and then move on to veggies and fruits. Your daddy is so excited about being able to make your baby food. You'll learn early on that your momma doesn't do too much cooking because daddy loves it and is really good at it. So, soon he'll get to take a turn in making your food.

Today we hit 6 months of only breastmilk for you. I can't tell you how happy and proud that makes me. We struggled at first but you finally got the hang of it and you've been growing and thriving. Lately you've found it difficult to pay attention to eating because there is so much else to see. We play a little game that helps you stay focused -- you hold your hand up and I pretend to bite your fingers. It is a fun game for you -- one that occaisionally you find funny enough to laugh out loud about. Sometimes when you get distracted you bite. So far no broken skin, but it has been close. And no, it isn't funny so you shouldn't bite and laugh!

Someday you may decide to sleep through the night. I asked your doctor for advice and she said to let you cry. I just can't do that. Hopefully you'll be able to figure it out on your own. Your nanny told me she read that you should be sleeping 11 hours a night. I told her you couldn't read so you probably didn't know that. In the meantime I spend half my time at work walking into walls and being ditzy. I hope that part goes away when I start getting some sleep.

Other things worth noting, you have two teeth! you can sit on your own for quite awhile before tipping over, you have a great sense of curiousity and you are very entertaining. You are crazy about the dog -- and when she does bad thing (pretty much always) you laugh and laugh. She doesn't seem to mind when you pull her hair and your giggles when she licks your toes are priceless.

Life with our little family is pretty great -- and was made even better when you came along. I didn't know how much joy I was missing out on until you showed up. Thanks for making every day a happy one.

Love you, mommy

Really Scary Virus

2006-02-13T16:26:00.000-08:00

My boyo laughed for the first time in three days.

He has RSV which has been the source of much sleepless terror in our household over the last few days. We've been making daily trips to the doctor even though I know that nothing can be done. I don't want to be the party who could have done more so when he gets worse we go back. I need to be sure that I really am only imagining his lips are blue.

I do think we are making progress, he has only thrown up twice today from coughing so hard and he laughed out loud. Poor bug.

Rats

2006-02-09T09:40:00.000-08:00

We didn't get the house.

We offered 20% over asking price and didn't even get a counter offer. They accepted an all cash offer that was way over what we offered. I'm disappointed, but you know, it is only a house.

I also think that whomever bought the house overpaid. And as much as I love our neighborhood, if I had $1.5 million in cash I wouldn't live here.

In case I wasn't overwhelmed before

2006-02-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

I've had moments recently where I have felt pretty overwhelmed. Working full time, breastfeeding exclusively and being momma to a baby who isn't such a great sleeper throws me for a loop sometimes. Usually the days I go to work after only sleeping a few hours are the worst.

Last week after doing our taxes we decided it was time to either remodel or move because we really need a bigger mortgage so we can deduct the interest. On Saturday we looked at a house. Today we submit an offer. There were more than 200 people at the open house this weekend, there are three people writing offers in our agents office alone so the competition will be fierce. I really hope we get it!

It is in our same neighborhood, it is as much house as we'll ever need (translated means we could fit one more baby with ease) and is in great shape. The selling point for me is a tree house. Once I saw the tree house I could immediately picture our family living there and being really happy. That's Spencer's tree house, in the backyard of our house. I hope we get it!

Escrow would be 45 days -- so I may buy and sell a house and move in the next month and a half. At least I can pack when we're up during the middle of the night.

5 months old

2006-01-27T11:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Spencer,

Today you are 5 months old!

Five months ago in exactly four minutes you were emerging from the warm cozy place you called home for 41 weeks and beginning your life with us on the outside.

I wrote a lot about our journey to get you, but I haven't written much since you've been here. We've been busy! I thought I would remember every delicious detail about our time together, but some things are getting fuzzy so I know that I need to write more.

As we celebrate your first five months, I do want to tell you that you have a long list of admirers. No baby can have too many people who love him, and you are a lucky, lucky boy in that regard.

And what's not to love?! You are such a happy, joyous baby and you sometimes go days without crying. I like to think it is because we are meeting your every need, but I suspect much of it has to do with your demeanor. You are a mellow baby who finds most things in life hilarious.

My favorite thing is to laugh with you. You get so tickled by completely random things, and I love that you now laugh when I laugh -- as if trusting that my judge of funny is an accurate one. I love singing with you, dancing with you and reading you books -- even though you'd much rather eat them.

I think you are getting close to teething because everything goes in your mouth -- and you bite. Hard. You're my little barracuda boy. It is fine when you are gnawing on my finger, but when you do it while nursing that is another story. Ouch! I don't know what we'll do when you have teeth.

Speaking of nursing, you have gotten so good at it! We got off to a bit of a rocky start since neither of us knew what we were doing -- but now we do and it is going well. Since I'm working it makes it more of a challenge, but I think of it as the best gift I can give you right now. Whatever it takes, little man, whatever it takes.

Some of our sweetest moments are when you are nursing. The way you look at me so lovingly, the way you laugh while drinking and milk slips out the side of your mouth, the way you chomp down on my nipple and grind your gums. Wait, that part isn't so great! In the last couple of days you have discovered your ears so while you nurse you are busy exploring, bending and tugging on them.

I can't imagine what it is like for you -- each day is filled with so many opportunities for new discovery.

You've rolled over a couple of times. Daddy was holding nightly "roll-over boot camp" with you and it worked! You can roll from belly to back if you want, but mainly you don't want to.

You also have baths with your daddy every other night. The second you hit the water you start splashing and kicking and of course laughing. He spends lots of time making sure that all of you is clean and dry and then he gives you a lotion-y rub down. I think it is funny when you pee on him after your bath. You do too.

We love you so much Spencer. Who knew that you could bring so much life and joy into our home and our lives. Happy five months little guy.

Love you,

Mommy

365 days later

2005-12-13T15:55:00.000-08:00

One year ago today it all began -- I found out I was pregnant. What an amazing year!

cry babies

2005-10-02T14:52:00.000-07:00

The tears keep on coming at our household, only not from the baby. He's a mellow guy who rarely cries. When he does it is a few whimpers followed by one WAH! and that means I'm hungry.

The tears are from us, his sappy parents. We had several teary episodes in the hospital when we just couldn't believe how lucky we are that he's finally here. The day I left the hospital I was alone with the baby waiting for my husband to fetch the car. I started telling Spencer about how long we'd waited for him and how hard we'd worked for the exact moment we were about to experience. As I sobbed, huge tears practically drenched the poor boy. It is a moment and feeling I'll never forget.

And now he's home and he's perfect and we still can't believe our good fortune. I sometimes wonder if we knew how hard we'd have to work to get to baby if we'd have stayed on that path. Knowing the outcome, I'd say yes, but we've had a few very dark, hopeless years. So nice to weep because you are happy.

A baby!

2005-09-21T17:08:00.000-07:00

Let's see, where was I? Oh yes, a baby.

On Friday, August 26th I had an appointment to see how things were going with the baby. It was almost a week past my due date and on Tuesday of that week he was doing well, fluid was good etc. so I expected more of the same. Not so. My fluid had dropped and the doctor informed us it was eviction time and wanted us to go immediately to the hospital -- ah, so that's why you pack in advance!

We discussed options and she explained that with my cervix of steel and how high he was, she only gave me about a 20% chance of delivering vaginally. I was admittedly disappointed but we decided to give induction a try and make decisions accordingly.

We stopped by home and hurriedly packed and arrived at the hospital. At about 9:00pm they gave me cervidil and we waited for things to get started. I had a few contractions but nothing regular. And mainly just tried to sleep despite being in what seems to be the noisiest and brightest place in the world.

Saturday morning I wasn't much more dilated and he hadn't dropped much but the on-call doctor thought we might be able to deliver vaginally but it probably wouldn't happen until the next day. They started pitocin.

After about 30 minutes on pitocin the baby's heart dropped dramatically. It was consistently in the 160s and then was suddenly 50. The nurse came racing in, we stopped the pit and I layed on my side. His heart beat went back up to 160. Thinking it might have been him laying on his cord or my positioning, they started the pit again about 45 minutes later. The same thing happened again, only this time they lost the heart beat. Suddenly there were 6 or 7 nurses around me. While several were poking my belly trying to find the heart beat, the others were unplugging monitors and pushing my bed out the door and into the OR. Needless to say I was scared to death.

We got into the OR, onto the table and the anesthesiologist was ready to knock me out with general when the baby's heart beat recovered again. So, things got suddenly less scary. I had an epidural and a c-section and a baby! The nurses were terrific, the doctors were terrific and Spencer is perfect. Not at all what I expected from his delivery (heck, I figured we'd never make it to turn let alone past!) but I'm so relieved that after waiting so long, he's finally here.

He's here!

2005-09-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

Quick update while the wee lad snoozes...

Our beautiful and very healthy son was born on Saturday at 12:02pm. He weighed 7lb, 15 oz. and had to be coaxed from his cozy home via emergency c-section. More on that later, but just wanted to shout from the rooftops that Spencer Eli has arrived and I'm in love!

Seriously thinking about a bounce house

2005-08-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

Nearly a week overdue and he's still hanging in there. Today is my last day at work. I suppose I could keep working, but realistically this pregnancy has to end sometime soon, right?

That's where the bounce house comes in. Brilliant, I say. Jump, jump, jump and splashdown.

On Tuesday I was dilated to 2 cm and still 60% effaced, so some progress. They did an ultrasound and NST and the baby scored 10 out of 10. We go back again today for more of the same. I saw a different doctor than last week and she didn't push induction at all. I had sort of steeled myself since I felt a bit bullied last week -- but she was great. I see her again this afternoon.

I've been having more cramps and contractions, just not enough to get things moving. Thinking now might be the time to consider packing a bag for the hospital.

Cervix of Steel?

2005-08-22T19:19:00.000-07:00

Fascinating.

My incompetent cervix is apparently quite competent, overly competent even.

After spending months making sure the baby didn't fall out, he's evidently not coming out -- ever! I'm now a few days past my due date and there are no signs yet that he'll be making an appearance any time soon. I have an ultrasound and NST tomorrow and then we'll decide what to do. My doctor is back on August 30th and we discussed before she left that we'll induce if he's not here by then. Hopefully the boy will decide to show up on his own.

Plus I thought I was having a Leo and now I'm having a Virgo. I don't really follow astrology too much so I'm not even sure what that means. But somehow it seems relevant in an irrelevant sort of way.

The new big sister

2005-08-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure she could be any cuter! She sleeps through the night and is 95% potty trained. We're in love...and now just waiting for the little brother to show up.

Edited to add that she's a West Highland White Terrier. In our experience they are great, independent dogs with very sweet dispositions.

Latest Stats

2005-08-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

I'm 1 cm dilated and 60% effaced at 38 1/2 weeks. Just about the same as last week.

We saw my doctor yesterday for probably the last time until after the baby arrives. She leaves on vacation on Saturday for two weeks. Unless I go more than a week late, she's going to miss the wee lad's arrival. Makes me sad since she's been with us from the beginning. I know she's disappointed too -- and even sheepishly brought up induction as a possibility if I was open to it. I'm not. If there was a medical reason I'd have the conversation, but an elective induction because she's going on vacation? That's just not something I can consider.

The thing I'm most excited about today is our new puppy! My husband flies up to Seattle first thing in the morning and will be back with a puppy by 2:30 or so. I can't wait! She's a 12 week old Westie and I think it is awesome that both she and the boy will be showing up around the same time. We'll see if I feel the same way in a few weeks. But in the meantime I'm imagining my house as the most fun place to be in the world -- a puppy AND a baby? I'm so excited!

And you'd think with all these great things happening I'd be in the best mood ever. I am for the most part, but I have developed a bitchy streak. Things come out of my mouth and I see my husband cringe a little and tiptoe away. I don't mean to be grumpy, really, it just happens. I think because I'm getting more and more uncomfortable but still, no good reasons be a bitch, and absolutely no reason to take it out on him. Must be nicer to the sweetest man in the world.

Somebody boil water

2005-08-04T14:44:00.000-07:00

I seem to be one of the few people in my life who isn't convinced that a baby is going to fall from my loins at any minute. Can they see something I can't see? Are there baby parts dangling?

My due date is in two weeks and I think we have the critical stuff done. We got the car seat installed yesterday, we have a co-sleeper, we got our first delivery of cloth diapers, I have boobs (in case there is any doubt there, they are big enough to require their own zip code) and we have some fabulous baby attire and blankets, do we have blankets. So, as far as I can tell, we're ready.

And if he waits awhile, which I think he will, we'll be even more ready. There are workers at my house today and tomorrow re-plastering the bathroom and painting the nursery. There's a dresser and crib (sans mattress) in the garage. And I have boobs -- did I mention that?

I'm still working and when anyone asks when I'm due their eyes get all crazy big and they start looking for sheets to tear and water to boil. I feel like I'm missing something here. What should I be panicking about? There's a lot of unknown ahead, but hyperventilating isn't going to help matters -- and it just might make me dizzy.

In the interest of full disclosure, I did have a lot of contractions last night that made me think I ought to think about packing a bag for the hospital. Maybe tomorrow.

I think I might be in denial about what's coming my way!

Wondering if the shoe will fit

2005-08-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

In the next couple of weeks my status in life will change forever. I'm going to become somebody's momma -- and that status won't change for the rest of my life.

What a profound and amazing thing. The enormity of it all is staggering and exciting at the same time. I want to raise the kind of man any woman would be lucky to find. I want him to be kind, loving and respectful. I hope he's smart and funny. And I hope he loves me half as much as I already love him.

What an amazing gift to be able to help someone figure out who they are gong to be. I hope we don't mess this up!

flying without a net

2005-07-26T21:13:00.000-07:00

Today the stitch came out -- and the baby stayed in.

I was expecting it to be fairly painful, as did my doctor. In went the speculum, she found the knot and began preparing me for the "snip and yank." Getting to the snip part hurt a bit and as I was bracing for the yank, she cut the stitch and it came flying out -- literally. It looked a bit like a coffee stirrer. Strange.

So now we wait. I have another appointment in a week to see how things are going. I'm a huge fan of irony and will be amused if after all our attempts to keep this baby in, he won't come out. As far as I'm concerned he can stay as long as he wants.

The phonebook girl

2005-06-28T16:05:00.000-07:00

The first time I got pregnant it happened quite quickly. We decided I'd go off the wheel (birth control pills) and we'd give it a go. A few months later I was pregnant. I needed a new doctor so went with one recommended by a friend. I knew from the doctor's business card that she also specialized in infertility.

Before the first appointment my husband and I had a conversation that in retrospect was surprisingly insightful. We talked about how there would probably be people in the waiting room who were struggling with getting pregnant and the last thing they would want to encounter were a couple of giddy, newly pregnant people. We were intentionally subdued.

There was a woman called before me who had an insanely thick chart. Phonebook type thick. I had an instant knot in my stomach imagining what she was going through, and I wished there was something I could say to let her know I felt for her. Of course I kept my mouth shut.

That first day we left at the same time -- I was armed with the plastic bag filled with sample prenatals and she asked if I was pregnant. I said I was and she smiled and said good luck. I ran into this woman on occasion going to my appointments and we always shared a smile. One day I overheard her talking to the lab tech who said "I think this one is it." I hoped with all my heart it was.

Not long after that I lost my baby girl.

I always referred to her as the "phonebook girl" and have thought of her from time to time. I never knew her name or what her situation was, but I'd like to think it all worked out.

I thought about her again today when the nurse opened the door and called my name -- biceps practically bulging to hold onto the phonebook-sized chart that belongs to me.

well that was scary

2005-06-22T21:18:00.000-07:00

Our baby was quite naughty yesterday.

I was in the shower shaving my legs thinking "odd, I don't really feel pregnant today." Then I thought "yikes, I don't really feel pregnant today."

I didn't feel him move at all in the morning which is really unusual. I ate breakfast which usually inspires a few good thumps. Nothing. I waited about an hour and drank a big glass of juice. Still nothing. I waited another hour and called the doctor. I ended up going in for a non-stress test. First thing I heard after they hooked me up to the monitor was a good strong heartbeat. I don't think I've ever been more relieved in my life. They had me drink some more juice and the doctors pressed some reallly loud alarm thing on my belly and he slowly got moving.

For the first time this little guy scared me. I realized yesterday that I have allowed myself to get used to the idea of bringing home a baby. If he is born now he should be fine, but yesterday made me keenly aware that other horrible things I haven't even imagined before could happen. For a few minutes I let myself imagine the worst and having that small look into what could be was paralyzing.

Apparently he was just resting up for a big evening. He kicked like crazy well into the night and has been a madman today.

I've been officially humbled.

Brilliant, insane, or maybe both

2005-06-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm the kind of person who often has really good ideas that don't seem like good ideas to anyone but me until after the fact. Here's my latest...

I tracked down our dog's breeder (we got her when we lived in DC and have since moved to California, the breeder is now in Ohio) to let her know what happened to our sweet pooch. She had a litter due that week and said if there was a female pet (she breeds dogs for show ) we could buy her. There is, and we are. We're getting a puppy, she'll be 13 weeks.

The breeder will be in Seattle on August 12th and so my husband will fly up early, early and come back early afternoon with a puppy in tow. I'm due August 21. Insane? Yup. Brilliant? Maybe.

Here's thing, we have plan b in case I happen to be having a baby on August 12th -- or if I have the baby after the puppy comes home. And beyond that, we will be home, we won't be sleeping, and really, what's a little more poop? Again, it is either brilliant or insane and it will be awhile before I'll know which.

Besides, my mother-in-law keeps insisting we give the baby a name that starts with H to honor her father. That's not going to happen with the baby, but maybe the dog!

Extreme Makeover -- Womb Edition

2005-06-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know what the hell he's doing in there, but my belly feels like a construction site or a mosh pit. Lot's of flailing about and slamming into the sides of my belly. I couldn't be happier.

Missing my brown eyed girl

2005-05-23T22:52:00.000-07:00

We got a puppy almost eight years ago. My husband said he'd never get a dog but I started to notice him doing research on the web, closing the window quickly when I'd enter the room. He took online quiz after online quiz and all roads led to a Westie. Generally more of an "adopt from the pound" dog person, I wasn't going to argue. We found a breeder and came home with the sweetest dog in the world.

I insisted on a female because I was sure when we had kids they'd all be boys and I'd be surrounded by testosterone -- she was going to be the one to bring balance to our home. Last week we had to put her to sleep. She was never sick a day in her life but about three weeks ago had a seizure and began a fairly steady decline. Test after test turned up nothing. We were referred to a neurologist at an animal hospital where she suffered another seizure and had to be sedated. They did a spinal tap to rule out a brain infection and next step was an MRI to see if she had a brain tumor. We never made it that far. She declined rapidly while sedated, laboring to breathe due to fluid in her lungs. We had her euthanized.

I'm missing my sweet brown eyed girl. She turned my husband into to a dog person and trained him to be an amazing papa. She brought us such joy and comfort during what has been a very difficult few years. And now here are, well on the road to a baby and now she's gone. Part of me wonders if her job was to get us to the finish line.

She would have made a hell of a big sister. Rest in peace little one.

My brain is mushy

2005-04-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in awhile because I haven't had anything to say. Things continue to go quite well with the pregnancy. He's very active and I'm still able to go into the office about two hours a day. I hurt my back last week which has been pretty painful but other than that no complaints. Well, one...

You would think that with all the down time I have I'd be reading good books and enriching my mind. Nope, nothing doing. I read shit magazines and watch horribly bad television. If I told you I put Dr. Phil on my tivo season pass would you believe me? I hope for my sake that it is unbelievable -- but it is true . Or was true. I just cancelled it.

So, if you wander by and have some recommendations of good books to read, I'd love any recommendations. I was a lit major, love to read but for some reason can't pick up anything that doesn't automatically make me dumber. Help me, please. This has to stop.

Phew

2005-03-31T19:15:00.000-08:00

We finally got the amnio results today. He's perfect!

I don't think I realized how nervous I was about it until I got the call and felt such an overwhelming sense of relief. The genetic counselor was great, and I'm sure enjoys giving good news. I can't imagine having to deliver bad news to couples, and it makes me catch my breath to think what getting that news must be like.

It seems that I'm now out of excuses for keeping news of this pregnancy to myself. I was pretty good at coming up with reasons not to tell people earlier, and then once we had the amnio it seemed silly to tell people before we got the results.

So here I am at just about 20 weeks, more pregnant than I've ever been before, with a healthy boy growing in my belly and only one thing left to worry about -- making him stay put. It makes me almost giddy!

Things are going surprisingly well

2005-03-19T17:32:00.000-08:00

It seems that when things are going well I don't have much to say. Guess that's a good thing!

I'm now 18 weeks, still working in the office five hours a day, had a really indepth ultrasound yesterday along with my amnio. We'll know for sure all is well in a couple of weeks, but the ultrasound didn't give us any indication that he wasn't developing perfectly well. And we did get confirmation he's a he.

The craziest of all is the length of my cervix. When I had my cerclage placed 3 1/2 weeks ago it was about 2.5 centimeters long, and now it is 5.3 centimeters. The doctor had to zoom the ultrasound out to see it all. INSANE. But great. I'm sure there will be additional fluctuations in the length, but considering I'm heading in to the danger zone, I couldn't be happier.

For those of you who have IC, my perinatologist believes that infections cause many changes in the cervix that are incorrectly identified as IC. At 12 weeks my cervix was quite short and was already opening. He tested me for a couple of things, one came back positive. I took antibiotics for a week and now am infection free with a long, closed cervix. I'll continue to be monitored every 2-3 weeks for infection. The cerclage probably helped, and again, my cervix may continue to fluctuate, but I really believe he is right about infections. If you do have IC, I urge you to ask your doctor to do regular vaginal cultures for Ureaplasma (which is what I had), E-coli and Strep B. The tests are simple, as are the treatments.

I'm a week away from when we lost our first baby so that is causing some anxiety and stirring up some horrible memories. I'm just glad that all is well with this one and that my doctors are really paying careful and close attention so we avoid a similar outcome. I feel really fortunate to have such great doctors.

Suddenly it all seems real, plus a glimpse of boy bits

2005-02-25T20:42:00.001-08:00

I had a great follow-up appointment post surgery. My doctor thinks it is her best work -- and if the fact that I had very little bleeding and no pain what-so-ever are signs of a good cerclage placement, I'm inclined to believe her.

She talked about when I'm in labor -- I must have had quite a look, because she said "I said when, not if" we'll get someone else to put the epidural in and we'll do it nice and early. It took a little longer than normal (at least what has been normal lately) to find the heartbeat with the doppler. I was about a minute away from panic when she found it. Phew.

All in all a good visit with the doc. I get to work at least two more weeks -- with a third in negotiation depending on how things go. I may chose not to work the last week I have some freedom so I can do things like get highlights and a haircut, a manicure, pedicure, etc. We'll see.

The most exciting thing came next...the ultrasound. All looked great with my cervix, and the baby's butt was facing out which explains the difficulty in finding the heartbeat. It also gave us a good look at what look very much like boy bits. I figured I'd be too early to find out (14 weeks, 2 days) but it was tough to miss.

So, I'm getting my head around a boy. Our last baby was a girl, so I figured this one would be too. There's nothing rational behind why I thought that, I just did. But I like that this is a whole new journey for us, that has started off extremely well. So well, that I can almost, almost imagine a little boy in our house.

Lockdown complete

2005-02-22T19:44:00.000-08:00

The surgery went surprisingly well.

The worst part of all was the anesthesia and it was really unpleasant. It took the anesthesiologis seven (uh huh, seven) failed attempts at putting in the epidural before he switched to a spinal. At one point he asked the surgeons to leave if they were going to talk. Nice. I don't know who was more relieved when he finally got it in. Makes me want to consider a natural birth.

I didn't have much bleeding or any cramping after the surgery -- but my back hurt like shit. I was bruised and battered but I figure if that's the worst thing to come out of this I got lucky.

I spent the weekend basically on bedrest and it basically sucked! The one thing I have to figure out is how to read/use my laptop while reclining without straining my neck.

Back to work today for the next couple of weeks. I'm relieved to have this part of things behind me.

Operation Baby Jail

2005-02-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

My surgery is tomorrow. I'm nervous about having it done, but I think I'm even more nervous about not having a cerclage. For some reason I think having the cerclage will make me feel less nervous about losing this pregnancy. Ha, I'm funny!

Heard from the perinatologist with results from all the cultures he took. I. in fact, do have a couple of infections -- just the things he was looking for. He believes now that infection played a role in my last loss and once these are taken care of, the changes to my cervix will stop happening. I hope he's right!

Bedrest starts in earnest tomorrow -- at least through the weekend. I bought a Lazyboy, have a wireless laptop and am a member of netflix. It will be a short glimpse at what my next 6 months will be like. Wheee!

A plan -- and just in the nick of time

2005-02-07T22:45:00.000-08:00

The doctor shopping is over. I'm relieved to say that I'll be staying with my OB who will work with (should she agree when we speak tomorrow) a perinatologist. The OB will put in the cerclage and both will monitor my progress.

We had a great visit with the peri. He came out into the waiting room to introduce himself. I asked if I should finish the paperwork later and he assured me that he had "as much time as we needed." Not sure I've ever heard that from a doctor before.

He spent a lot of time talking about his doubts about the accurate diagnosis of IC -- he believes that most losses are caused by infection that, if monitored closely, can be caught. While none of us like infections, he hates them. And he will find them and destroy them. Period. Once he finished the infection talk and telling me he doubted I'd need a cerclage, he did a pelvic exam. After close examination he announced "hmmmm, your cervix is already open a bit." He then did and ultrasound and showed me how short my cervix is and where it is opening. He then announced that I need a cerclage. Soon.

Bottom line is he thinks that the operation is a piece of cake. He'll do it if we want, but he sees no reason why I shouldn't have my ob do the surgery. So that's what we'll do. I schedule the surgery date tomorrow and it will happen in the next week.

The peri had lots of questions about my OB and if I felt supported by her. He said what I need is peace, tranquility and support and that if I wanted he'd be happy to work with our OB. He then gave me is direct line, pager number and e-mail address. We spent an hour and a half with him.

I cancelled my appointment with the hotshot doctor who makes people wait for hours to see him. The very thought of having to deal with that kind of care during what isn't exactly a piece of cake made me so anxious and sad -- but of course I would have done it if there wasn't a suitable alternative.

I feel so relieved that the team is, for all intents and purposes, in place. Now I can refocus my anxious energy on how short my cervix is and the fact that it is already opening a bit. Holy shit. My surgery date can't get here soon enough.

Ultrasounds are like raises

2005-02-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

I've always called raises "hush money." Doesn't matter if I'm getting them or giving them, raises buy happy workers who shut the hell up for awhile.

I've found the same is true with ultrasounds. I had to wait three weeks between ultrasounds. During those three weeks I went from happy to nervous to terrified. All in three short weeks. Then the ultrasound!! And I'm happy again! Luckily I don't have to wait three weeks for the next one -- too scary!

All looks great. I'm measuring a couple of days ahead and got to see some serious acrobatics going on -- the baby in there does flips and somersaults and lands on its head. Kind of funny that I have a circus in my lap and can't feel a thing.

Angst in my pants

2005-01-27T18:20:00.000-08:00

I'm completely stressed out and go from almost hyperventilating to almost weeping. That's way more dramatic than it is, but I'm feeling overly dramatic.

I think we are going to change doctors. I love, love, love my OB but she's not a high risk doctor and she's not a specialist. I have to let go of the notion that there will be anything normal about this pregnancy and acknowledge that I'm about as high risk as they come.

So, I've been doing due dilligance and think the best doctor is the one who, when anyone describes him they start with, "he's not touchy feely." You also often have to wait hours for your appointment and he personally decides case by case who he will take. He'll take me, but only under the condition that I transfer to him permanently and he'll deliver the baby. No consultation. He also likes a lot of money upfront (don't know how much yet) so there may be no turning back. Sounds simply awful to me -- but he's the best. We have an appointment in a week and a half.

Tomorrow I'll see another doctor who is head of perinatology at a very good hospital here. He is touchy feely. He called me himself. I liked him. Problem is, he thinks most cases of IC are misdiagnosed (I suspect he's right) and he believes that most late second trimester losses are caused by some sort of infection -- and if watched properly you don't need a cerclage. But what if I do? I feel like I'd be going through this pregnancy without a net and that makes me want to pass out. I'll learn more tomorrow -- but if he'd be willing to put in a cerclage, plus do the monitoring he wants we could both be happy. We'll see how persuasive I can be.

The worst part of all of this is having to provide excruciating detail about my loss. I don't remember how much she weighed and I don't know what my white blood count was. I have to get the pathology report from when I was in the hosptal and it all makes me so fucking sad. I don't want to have to do this -- I want normal, I want my little girl. I want my doctor who knows all this shit because she was there. But I just don't think she is the right doctor and I'm not sure I could live with myself if I didn't do everything I could to bring this baby home.

Semantics for some

2005-01-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

I'm pregnant; I'm not having a baby. I hope I'm having a baby -- that's the end goal. But as of today, I'm pregnant and that's as far as I'll go.

We've started to tell a few people about this pregnancy and in expressing their excitement they've said, "you're having a baby -- a baby!" These are people who are no strangers to our situation. They know as well as I do that I DO get pregnant, I just don't have babies. And it makes me uncomfortable. I feel the need to gently prepare them for the darkness that may be ahead of us -- all the what ifs. I wonder when I'll be able to share their confidence.

On another note, we went and looked at Lazy Boys today. I figure if I'm going to be sitting on my ass for 5 months I may as well be comfortable. I'd like the model with the bult in fridge and catheter -- but I don't think they make that yet.

So far so good, still

2005-01-13T21:29:00.000-08:00

I'll be 9 weeks this weekend and starting to feel like we might be out of the woods for an early miscarriage. Did I really type that? I guess I should knock wood or something...

I had a great doctor's appointment this week. Baby is measuring right on target -- with a heartbeat of 183. My doctor has a new ultrasound machine with sound so we got to hear that magical sound.

I go back in three weeks for another check up and to schedule surgery for the cerclage placement. I'm a little conflicted. Ideally I'd like a perinatologist to work with my OB to treat my cervix. The hot shit IC doctor won't share -- I'd have to be seen only by him. I know a woman who went to him and his bedside manner isn't great, he's arrogant and he didn't seem to have a lot of empathy for what she was going through.

After talking to my doctor I think I just want to have her place the cerclage and see me through this pregnancy. If my cervix is at all compromised she'll have someone else do the surgery. But I feel like she's invested in this -- and in us. When we lost our little girl she came in on her day off to perform emergency surgery when I was hemorrhaging. Later she stood by the side of my bed and held my hand while we both cried. She's amazing.

Obviously there are other peris in town and I will for sure be seeing one for an amnio and to check the baby's heart (my sister was born with a heart defect). So I will be under the care of a specialist as well as my ob, just not THE guy if I stay with my OB. I think that's the right decision -- I wish I knew for sure.

And with a flicker it begins

2005-01-02T13:36:00.000-08:00

We saw the heartbeat. The baby is measuring precisely the right size and all seems to be going as it should. The ultrasound tech said that the area that was causing the spotting before was "very well organized." Maybe the fact that I'm really unorganized made it impossible for me to understand what the hell she was talking about. I don't get it, but I'm still pleased with the results.

I go back in another week for ultrasound number three and my first real appointment with my doctor. We've got a lot of ground to cover including discussing which perinatologist to work with, scheduling the cerclage placement, discussions of bedrest, which hospital has the best NICU etc.

I've only had two years to figure all this stuff out but I just haven't. It never felt like we'd get this far -- but here we are. Scary but pretty exciting.

Starting the year feeling hopeful

2004-12-31T23:02:00.000-08:00

This could be our last New Year's Eve alone as a couple. If all goes well, we'll be sharing our house with someone new next year. I can't wait.

We had our second ultrasound yesterday and saw a heartbeat. I'm so relieved but know that it is just another of many hurdles we have to clear. We're ready.

So far so good...

2004-12-23T13:20:00.000-08:00

I had an ultrasound yesterday. Too early for a heartbeat but we did see a gestational sac and yolk sac -- all the things that we should see at this stage in the game. They also could identify why I've been spotting -- some left overs from implantation. Nice that there's a reason -- and good to know I should expect more of the same. They also did a blood draw so I should have HCG numbers sometime today.

Next week we look for a heartbeat.

In the meantime, so far so good...

Of course I'm spotting

2004-12-20T11:04:00.001-08:00

I don't know why I would expect to be pregant more than a week before something happened to make my heart skip a beat.

I'm spotting. Not red blood. Not a lot. But fuck.

I spotted during my first and most successful pregnancy (pathetic that I call it a success to have made it to 19 weeks)so logically I know that this most likely is nothing. But still, I'm scared.

Here we go again

2004-12-17T09:33:00.000-08:00

Well, we're getting back on the roller coaster. I'm pregnant!

I'm still getting used to the idea and I'm terrified of what's ahead -- but I do hope that the third time's a charm and we actually get to bring a baby home!

We have our first ultrasound on December 30th which might be too early to see anything. I tried my best to not have my first appointment until almost 8 weeks but my doctor said no. I argued my best but she's leaving town and wants to know things are progressing properly before she leaves. Hard to disagree.

So, this begins what will be a (hopefully)long and difficult journey.

Here we go...

I passed, I passed

2004-12-08T11:11:00.000-08:00

I just talked to my doctor who informed me that my CD 21 progesterone last cycle was a giant 24. She was quite pleased. As am I.

The emphasis should be that it was LAST cycle -- a cycle that didn't work. At least there was lots of progesterone for it not to work in. So yeehaw, a 24.

We talked about how many more cycles to do with clomid (1) and then we'll re-evaluate. I asked if next step is IUI -- but she said because of the quote unquote (thanks grrl) age factor we might go straight to IVF. Not sure I agree with that rx.

Isn't IVF about 20,000 times more expensive than IUI? Seems we should at least give it a go.

Hopefully we won't get that far. Come on double lines...

Bon Voyage

2004-12-04T23:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't reflected enough on our recent trip to London and Paris. I loved London-- it was our first time -- and about our 8th time to Paris. We love Paris.

I love to travel -- especially to European countries. I try my best to look at the country through the eyes of a local, not a tourist. I'm sure they never mistake me for a local, but I really do enjoy the challenge of veering off the tourist path and discovering life as those who experience it daily.

When we were first dating we went to Europe every year. Our honeymoon was a month traversing Spain, France and Italy. We went year after year with the last trip to Paris on New Years of 2002 with our families.

After that trip we started trying to get pregnant. I got pregnant in May. We lost our baby in September. After some serious damage to my body, not to mention my soul, it took some time before my doctor would let us try again. Try we did -- I got pregnant in June but then miscarried in August at eight weeks. And since August, 2003 nothing.

We didn't travel again because we knew I would be pregnant soon.

There have been so many things in our life that have been put on hold by trying to conceive a baby. Our recent trip provided such a great chance to reconnect and realize that even though we don't have the baby we desparately long for -- we can enjoy each other while we wait for her/him to arrive.

Do you have any kids?

2004-11-30T22:20:00.000-08:00

I was at a board dinner tonight for work and was asked, innocently enough, by the man sitting next to me at dinner if I have any kids.

I hate that question.

A million thoughts go rushing through my mind on what to say which makes me nuts. Why do I overthink this one? If I think about it, will the answer change? Sadly, the answer is really, really easy. No, damn it, I don't.

Instead I replied "no, just a dog." He doen't care if I have a dog -- he probably doesn't even care if I have kids. And besides all that, my dog isn't just a dog, she's the best dog ever.

I hate that question.

I Love Clomid in Paris in the Fall time....

2004-11-23T22:41:00.000-08:00

Off to London and Paris I went with an extra piece of luggage for all of my items needed for the ladies place. I had HPTs, tampons, fertility monitor, sticks and, of course, clomid.

Sorry to say the first round of clomid didn't work. In fact, I didn't even ovulate. I have gotten a peak reading on my monitor for 18 cycles -- until I took clomid. Then nothing. But I digress.

So, I'm on CD10 of my second clomid cycle. The first night of clomid taken in a hotel off the Champs Elysees at midnight; the second at a poker club at midnight; third night at the Concorde metro station at midnight; fourth night at a bistro in the 7th arrondisemont at midnight, with red wine; and the final in business class on the way from London to LA.

It was very sweet, my husband gave the pills a pep talk before I took them. He apparently gives the same pep talk to the "boys" when it is time to try for baby. He's a sweet, sweet man who will make a hell of a papa.

I sure hope this time's a charm!

If I ever, I'll never

2004-11-09T18:58:00.000-08:00

Dear woman flying with toddler on the United flight from DC to LA today, I can't thank you enough for giving me some important tools once I become a mother. In your honor, I'm creating a list of things I'll never do if I ever become a mom.

1. Don't change your child's poopy diaper at your seat. There's a changing table in the bathroom for a reason. Also, stashing the dirty diaper in the vomit bag doesn't make the smell go away -- it just forces your neighbors to fill their own vomit bags. Blech.

2. Don't bring along a portable DVD player and turn the speakers on 11. If I can hear it from where I'm sitting, your kid will have hearing loss in no time.

3. When asked questions about your child don't anwer "I'm one and a half" because you are not.

I have a feeling this will become a really, really long list.

If Kerry wins, I'll get knocked up

2004-11-02T16:22:00.000-08:00

This may seem totally insane, but I just convinced myself that if Kerry wins I'll get pregnant. This cycle. Today.

Sure it's crazy but, look at our history:

My husband and I met during a senate race in 1992. The year of the Democratic sweep, the year of the woman, the year of Bill Clinton.

For the next 6 years we worked in politics and then got married. Bill Clinton got impeached on our wedding day.

We've had nothing but bad luck since Bush got elected (personally and as a country)but that could all change. Today!

I believe I ovulated in the last 24 hours and would conceive today if it happens.

Conceiving a baby the day we took back the White House? What could be more perfect?

So, if you haven't voted yet, please vote for Kerry!