Perhaps not so ambivalent

So here I am on day 32, four days late and nothing to show for it. I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. I'm almost positive that I've never reached day 32 and not been pregnant.

I was hesitant to test this morning because I was afraid I would get a negative and afraid of how I would react. For the most part I'm ok, puzzled really. But every now and then I start to feel that almost panicky feeling that starts in your belly and slowly creeps upward and threatens to choke the life out of you. In years past it would have, I would have felt awful. Instead I just feel a little troubled and a lot distracted.

I am in such a different place now, the outcome of the test isn't so loaded, but the way I used to plan for the future hasn't changed. Already I've thought about when I'd deliver and if the baby would make the start of school cut off. If not, he'd (wow, typed that without thinking -- could be a she I guess)two or three years behind Spencer in school. I've thought about how we'd now need more than one row of seats in an airplane for vacation. I guess dad will take one and I'll take the other. If there is another.

I want to welcome a baby into our home next fall. I really do. I guess I'd only thought I was ambivalent about another baby. Or maybe it took a few months to get on the band wagon. Regardless, I'm on board. Wish me luck.