We might be stopping at one

I spoke to my doctor who had the results of my FSH test. Creeping up there is how she described it. It is 10.4 -- and her usual cut off for patients is 10. I'm still nursing a bit so she thinks that may have resulted in a higher number. She also said if we are feeling panicky about getting pregnant then she can refer us to an RE.

Instead what we'll do is try a few cycles on clomid, retest my fsh next month when I'm not nursing and go from there. I can't imagine doing IVF and said, and I believe, "if Spencer is all the only child we have, we consider ourselves extremely lucky." I also said I was somewhat ambivalent abouthaving another which is the wrong word -- but I've yet to find a better one. I'd love another baby but if it isn't in the cards, I'm completely content.

The thing that makes me the saddest is that we've had to stop nursing. We were only nursing just before bed and first thing in the morning and I think we're pretty close to stopping, but when I spoke to my doctor and started clomid the same day it made the decision for us. I haven't nursed him in two days. Nightime isn't too bad, but cutting out the morning session makes him really sad. And it makes me sad and also feel a little selfish.

Granted he's almost nineteen months and it is pretty close to time to stop, I had to make that decision abruptly. No gentle tapering off -- but cold turkey. And cold turkey for something that in all likelihood won't work. I think it is going to be tougher on me than him.

Add all that to a splitting clomid headache and some topsy-turvy hormones and what you have is someone who just wants to admit defeat, curl up on the couch and weep a little. While at the same time feel delighted that I have such a great family that is perfect as is.