Swinging Doors

I'm anxious.

I'm resigned to the fact that I probably won't get pregnant again. But terrified that I will. What are the odds of having two healthy pregnancies in a row? I mean for me, not the rest of the world. I can't help but imagine another miscarriage, or worse yet learning that there is something wrong later in pregnancy.

For the past two days images have popped into my head about all my losses, and surgeries, and, and, and finally a healthy baby but of course in an emergency situation.

I'm always on a gurney, looking down at my feet as we hit the swinging double doors and into the operating room. I'm never sure which experience I'm going to be reliving...delivering my daughter at 5 1/2 months, having the post-miscarriage d&c, surgery to remove the cyst, placement of the cerclage, removal of the cerclage or emergency c-section.

The closest thing I've had to a normal pregnancy is the one that was cut short. The rest have been white knuckle rides. So I wonder why my head is doing this to me -- to brace myself in case there is another harrowing journey? Or is it to convince myself I'm not brave enough to give it a try?