Oh yes, she does
I think this post belongs here vs. my other mostly empty blog. I normally don't write about family but this needs some space outside my head because it makes it hard for me to breathe.
My mother-in-law is a little socially awkward. Whenever something comes up we figure out how she'll make it about her. She never disappoints. She has made quite an effort to spend time with Spencer and it has really paid off. Every other week she comes in the afternoon and stays until dinner then helps clean up which means I get to spend time with her too.
Last visit we were in the kitchen cleaning up. My cousin is about to have a baby and we've been loading them up with baby gear. Like it or not, we're done. We tried really hard for a bigger family and it isn't in the cards. She knows we're done, I guess she just doesn't like it.
Anyway, we were talking about handing off the gear and she said "that really disappoints me, I wanted you guys to have more kids." I told her that wasn't going to happen. She said "but I really want a granddaughter. I wanted you guys to have a baby girl." No one ever acknowledges the baby we lost so I put it out there. I said "the baby we lost was a girl." She answered, and it is almost too awful to write, "but that doesn't count." I answered "it does to us."
I don't even know what to do with that. I know if I said something to her now she'd have no idea what she said to offend me. It won't change a thing about her and instead will just give her an opportunity to make this about her and how awkward it makes her feel. I can't imagine how my husband grew up with someone like her. I honestly don't think anyone has ever said something so awful to me.
My mother-in-law is a little socially awkward. Whenever something comes up we figure out how she'll make it about her. She never disappoints. She has made quite an effort to spend time with Spencer and it has really paid off. Every other week she comes in the afternoon and stays until dinner then helps clean up which means I get to spend time with her too.
Last visit we were in the kitchen cleaning up. My cousin is about to have a baby and we've been loading them up with baby gear. Like it or not, we're done. We tried really hard for a bigger family and it isn't in the cards. She knows we're done, I guess she just doesn't like it.
Anyway, we were talking about handing off the gear and she said "that really disappoints me, I wanted you guys to have more kids." I told her that wasn't going to happen. She said "but I really want a granddaughter. I wanted you guys to have a baby girl." No one ever acknowledges the baby we lost so I put it out there. I said "the baby we lost was a girl." She answered, and it is almost too awful to write, "but that doesn't count." I answered "it does to us."
I don't even know what to do with that. I know if I said something to her now she'd have no idea what she said to offend me. It won't change a thing about her and instead will just give her an opportunity to make this about her and how awkward it makes her feel. I can't imagine how my husband grew up with someone like her. I honestly don't think anyone has ever said something so awful to me.
posted by Sarah at
9:39 AM
14 Comments:
She most certainly does count! I am so sorry that someone who is supposed to be so close and understanding said that to you...and doesn't even realize there was anything wrong with that statement.
The truth of the matter is that she does have a granddaughter, whether or not she's here on Earth or not. That's truly her loss.
Again I am so sorry you had to hear that and that's it's still weighing heavy on your heart.
((hugs))
I know the feeling, they DO COUNT -my cousin was here over the weekend and talking about her niece and she said just be glad you don't have a daghter, I said I DO have a daughter she just isn't here with me. WHY don't people think sometimes before they speak.
Thank you so much for your blog! I recently lost my son at 21w 6d on May 19th. It was the most horrific and terrifying experience. I have been on a quest for answers and certainty of future success. People like you help others like me to feel like we're not alone. Your mother-in-law is what she is, there are those of us who know your daughter was here.
Don't sweat it. Sometimes my own parents don't acknowledge me as a mother of a stillborn. People don't understand, that is, unless they have had to go through this themselves. Then the baby becomes real. It is just another layer between us and the rest of the parallel universe we live in.
I was browsing through blogger to find people who write online and I came across your blog and had to read it. So sorry. I'm sure your mother-in-law loves you in her own way but some people don't think before they speak and many purposely say inappropriate comments that have nothing to do with them. Just, some people. You think she would be happy to have any healthy strong grandchildren and be grateful.
A loss is a loss. Your baby girl does count. It is difficult to deal with insensitive people who don't acknowledge how important she is to you....who don't accept that the mother/child bond begins in the womb.
I too, have an insensitive mother-in-law, who makes everything about her. I have questioned how she could have raised "normal" children. She is paranoid, suspicious and believes that her children do no wrong and the daughter's-in-law are always wrong. Oh, the stories I could tell! I emphathize with you. I commiserate with you. As difficult as it is, your mother-in law is to be pitied, for her inability to see beyond her own selfish ideas, social awkwardness and insensitivity. I'm sure the outside world sees your MIL's true colors...most people walk the other way when my MIL starts to talk.
Here's one of my MIL stories:
When I was about to give birth to my son, my MIL and FIL came up to the hospital to be there for the birth...uninvited...but by the time I was in labor (induced, after a complicated, high risk pregnancy) I was in too much pain and under the influence of a few meds and did not have much energy to ask them to leave. A nurse finally realized my discomfort with their presence in the room and asked them to go to the waiting lounge down the hall. My MIL..who believes she is allergic to EVERYTHING...got a little dramatic in the waiting room..because she said she could smell bleach from cleaning that the staff was putting her at risk! She dragged a chair to sit in front of my room!!!! When the doctor saw her there, she asked if I wanted her (and the FIL) there...and of course i did not! The doctor had to forcefully ask her to leave the unit!!! That was big drama...and to this day..she still talks about how horribly rude the staff at the hospital was...and how they put her life at risk by making her sit in that room with the bleach! My son is now 6...and this memory is still fresh to her!!!
I emphathize with you!
Thank you for providing this website. I now have someone that understands how i feel. My cervix is also incompetent (such an awful term). My cervix opened in November and i delivered our baby boy at 21 weeks and 3 days. He was our first child and we do not have any other children. He was healthy, perfect and very tall (29 cms long at 21 weeks). The hardest thing is listening to silly comments. Most people tell me that the baby doesn't count and that i should thank God it died now and not later in life (like that it suppossed to make me feel better). Today i was told by an aunt that "the baby must have been ill because he was 29 cms long at 21 weeks). Amazing!
I stumbled upon your blog by accident and just want to say how very sorry I am for your loss and what your MIL said to you. What an awful thing to say to someone who has lost a child. You handled it extremely well with your response
I will be thinking of you and your family and praying for peace and happiness for you all.
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Thank you for your blog!
i know her feelings. this post is awesome
Sounds exactly like my MIL!!!!! Don't let her get the best of you she really doesn't deserve it! I try to remind myself of the same thing when even thinking about my MIL. I feel angry your MIL said that to you and I want to double and triple say that your Baby girl does count!!!! OMG I was in counseling this week talking about my MIL, even after we've lost two babies she is still a mean and untollerable woman.
Thanks for sharig
I feel your pain. I can say this because I too, have an incompetent cervix. We also lost a little girl at 22.5 weeks. Even now, sometimes people say things and I want to punch them for their insensitivity and ignorance.
I am sorry you have to listen to such senseless, all about me, mind and emotion sucking nonsense, but apparently that is what MILs seem to be best at. Just know that I am praying for you that she will get a ticket to clue-ville and just be kind and gracious.
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