Wondering if he'll ever stop being a reminder of what could have been.

When I was pregnant the first time, I was pregnant with two friends. Not close friends, but good enough friends that I couldn't avoid them and their expanding bellies after we lost our baby. It was extremely painful to be around them and gut wrenching once the babies arrived.

Since then it has become a lot less painful, but never ceases to be a reminder of what could have been. I study these boys (now both three) and wonder how our little girl's personality would have been. Would she have been funny? Smart? Clever? I don't really see either Charlie or Gus -- I see a reminder that I should have one of those.

We now live across the street from Charlie and I see him every day. He's charming and funny and really sweet and my heart lurches just a bit each and every time I see him. It isn't horrible, but it is sad. And I think sad for Charlie because can I really be interacting with this kid when I'm intently studying how big his feet are and marveling at his exanding vocabulary? I find it all a little exhausting and, again, a lot sad. Hopefully with time he'll get to just be Charlie and not a reminder of my little girl who never got to ride a trike or run through the sprinkler or make me laugh.