Angst in my pants
I'm completely stressed out and go from almost hyperventilating to almost weeping. That's way more dramatic than it is, but I'm feeling overly dramatic.
I think we are going to change doctors. I love, love, love my OB but she's not a high risk doctor and she's not a specialist. I have to let go of the notion that there will be anything normal about this pregnancy and acknowledge that I'm about as high risk as they come.
So, I've been doing due dilligance and think the best doctor is the one who, when anyone describes him they start with, "he's not touchy feely." You also often have to wait hours for your appointment and he personally decides case by case who he will take. He'll take me, but only under the condition that I transfer to him permanently and he'll deliver the baby. No consultation. He also likes a lot of money upfront (don't know how much yet) so there may be no turning back. Sounds simply awful to me -- but he's the best. We have an appointment in a week and a half.
Tomorrow I'll see another doctor who is head of perinatology at a very good hospital here. He is touchy feely. He called me himself. I liked him. Problem is, he thinks most cases of IC are misdiagnosed (I suspect he's right) and he believes that most late second trimester losses are caused by some sort of infection -- and if watched properly you don't need a cerclage. But what if I do? I feel like I'd be going through this pregnancy without a net and that makes me want to pass out. I'll learn more tomorrow -- but if he'd be willing to put in a cerclage, plus do the monitoring he wants we could both be happy. We'll see how persuasive I can be.
The worst part of all of this is having to provide excruciating detail about my loss. I don't remember how much she weighed and I don't know what my white blood count was. I have to get the pathology report from when I was in the hosptal and it all makes me so fucking sad. I don't want to have to do this -- I want normal, I want my little girl. I want my doctor who knows all this shit because she was there. But I just don't think she is the right doctor and I'm not sure I could live with myself if I didn't do everything I could to bring this baby home.
I think we are going to change doctors. I love, love, love my OB but she's not a high risk doctor and she's not a specialist. I have to let go of the notion that there will be anything normal about this pregnancy and acknowledge that I'm about as high risk as they come.
So, I've been doing due dilligance and think the best doctor is the one who, when anyone describes him they start with, "he's not touchy feely." You also often have to wait hours for your appointment and he personally decides case by case who he will take. He'll take me, but only under the condition that I transfer to him permanently and he'll deliver the baby. No consultation. He also likes a lot of money upfront (don't know how much yet) so there may be no turning back. Sounds simply awful to me -- but he's the best. We have an appointment in a week and a half.
Tomorrow I'll see another doctor who is head of perinatology at a very good hospital here. He is touchy feely. He called me himself. I liked him. Problem is, he thinks most cases of IC are misdiagnosed (I suspect he's right) and he believes that most late second trimester losses are caused by some sort of infection -- and if watched properly you don't need a cerclage. But what if I do? I feel like I'd be going through this pregnancy without a net and that makes me want to pass out. I'll learn more tomorrow -- but if he'd be willing to put in a cerclage, plus do the monitoring he wants we could both be happy. We'll see how persuasive I can be.
The worst part of all of this is having to provide excruciating detail about my loss. I don't remember how much she weighed and I don't know what my white blood count was. I have to get the pathology report from when I was in the hosptal and it all makes me so fucking sad. I don't want to have to do this -- I want normal, I want my little girl. I want my doctor who knows all this shit because she was there. But I just don't think she is the right doctor and I'm not sure I could live with myself if I didn't do everything I could to bring this baby home.
posted by Sarah at
6:20 PM
4 Comments:
Sarah, I can't even begin to phathom how stressful and incredibly important this is for you right now. I'm hoping either doctor is incredibly supportive, does everything the way you like and listens to YOU.
Best wishes during this time.
I hope you find the doctor that is right for you. I don't know if this would make anything easier, but you could fax a request to have your hospital records sent directly to your doctors, so you won't have to review all the details yourself. I know it still brings up a very emotional experience and I am sorry for your loss.
I hope you can convince him, I hope you can have some peace of mind. Fingers crossed.
You have not posted in a while so I hope all is well. I have gone the cerclage route, the emergency kind with success. It is unbelieveably stressful and I can tell you a lttile bit about my choices in OB vs. peri...
I thought that the perinatology group I was referred to and that did the cerclage (my OB was on vacation and the IC had been found "accidentaly" at my 18 week level 2 ultrasound in their office)... I was in the hospital a week post op, apparently I was dialated and the bag of waters was starting to fall out... anyway, I could not stand that each doctor in the group had a different story or take on what my and my babies outcome would or should be... I thought long and hard, the perinatology group is well known nationally, they are leaders in the field... but at the end of the day, who listened to me better, who was willing to find a peri that would work with us, my OB... so I stuck it out with my OB... Had a preemie because my water broke (I think I had a low grade infection that caused it).. the perinatologists came in saying induce now, don't wait... but my OB listened to me and we consulted with other perinatologists and we decided to lay in wait for one week... because of factors like imature lung study results... traumatic, all of it.
Anyway, don't be afraid of your choices, but do get a doctor who will listen to you!
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