I think I'm Back

Considering some career/life changes and my head is pretty crowded. Will attempt to declutter here: http://competentmom.blogspot.com/ Stop by!

Oh yes, she does

I think this post belongs here vs. my other mostly empty blog. I normally don't write about family but this needs some space outside my head because it makes it hard for me to breathe.

My mother-in-law is a little socially awkward. Whenever something comes up we figure out how she'll make it about her. She never disappoints. She has made quite an effort to spend time with Spencer and it has really paid off. Every other week she comes in the afternoon and stays until dinner then helps clean up which means I get to spend time with her too.

Last visit we were in the kitchen cleaning up. My cousin is about to have a baby and we've been loading them up with baby gear. Like it or not, we're done. We tried really hard for a bigger family and it isn't in the cards. She knows we're done, I guess she just doesn't like it.

Anyway, we were talking about handing off the gear and she said "that really disappoints me, I wanted you guys to have more kids." I told her that wasn't going to happen. She said "but I really want a granddaughter. I wanted you guys to have a baby girl." No one ever acknowledges the baby we lost so I put it out there. I said "the baby we lost was a girl." She answered, and it is almost too awful to write, "but that doesn't count." I answered "it does to us."

I don't even know what to do with that. I know if I said something to her now she'd have no idea what she said to offend me. It won't change a thing about her and instead will just give her an opportunity to make this about her and how awkward it makes her feel. I can't imagine how my husband grew up with someone like her. I honestly don't think anyone has ever said something so awful to me.

something new

I just created a new blog. Don't know how much I'll write -- but stop by!
http://competentmom.blogspot.com/

An annual check in

Feeling more and more like writing lately. Not sure exactly about what -- but feel the need to write.

Life under my roof is great. Spencer turns four at the end of August. What a great gift he's been. Hilarious little boy who continues to beg for a baby sister. Sorry little man, we gave our best shot!

Around me things seem to be much more complicated. I think the economy has created an underlying tension that is managing to seep into everything. Our best friend couple are splitting up. There's crazy drama with my uncles in settling my grandmother's estate. We recently had a car accident that totaled our car and the next day my work announced an 8% cut and furlough. Last week we went to the beach for a picnic and a helicopter crashed into the sand about 100 yards from us. Seems to be a very surreal space I'm inhabiting.

I look back at all I covered in the blog and sometimes I feel like my story is such old news and that I should take the blog down -- just when I think that I get an e-mail from a mom who recently had a late loss. I know that after my first loss I so longed for answers, for hope. I'm just glad I can share my journey and offer a glimmer of hope. Keeping my fingers crossed for all of you.

Rock Star

Snapping out of it

For the last couple of weeks I've been cranky and while I have some legitimate reasons, I also really need to knock it off. And while I think my post-pregnancy hormones getting back to normal have something to do with it, enough is enough. Almost. Before I really move on I have to say the fact that I'm losing fists full of hair like I did after actually having a baby is annoying. The fact that I'm still having some cramping seems kharmically unfair. Wait, didn't I say I was moving on?

We shipped our pooch away a week ago (on my birthday, no less) so that has been hard. Spencer has only mentioned her a couple of times but I know he misses her. We all do. The house is oddly quiet despite having a nearly three-year-old running everywhere and screaming. A lot. We've pretty much always had a dog and I know we will again it is just a hard situation where despite our best efforts to make it work, it didn't. Biting children is just not ok. Ever. She's back on the farm where she was born (no, really) and I know she'll land in a good spot that lacks delicious children snacks.

I'm really ready for summer. We've been in the pool some and starting to entertain more. One of my dearest friends will be out for a visit later this month from NY followed immediately (that afternoon) by another dear friend who is coming from Colorado. Add a visit from my mom and stepdad into the mix and we've got a June filled with some of the people I care most about in the world.

On to June. There wasn't much pleasant about May so on to June and sunshine, picking cherries and enjoying what I have -- not longing for what I don't.

Exercise in Futility

So I chatted with my friend on Friday. Her cervix is quite short (2.2 for those of you who know about such matters).

She's completely unfazed. Her doctor spoke to her about bedrest and she couldn't possibly do that because she has to work. I was pretty direct and said you don't want to lose a pregnancy at nearly five months, I promise. She feels invincible and said a couple of times "well the worst thing that can happen is I'll end up on bedrest." Um....no. Much worse.

I had the conversation because I felt like I owed it to her and I won't bring it up again. I just hope she's right.

On other fronts I'm doing ok. Still in a bit of pain a week after surgery and that makes me really mad. Enough already, really.

We're going to the Central Coast for five days starting Thursday. Will be a nice change of scenery and quiet. Then we come home and put our dog on a plane to go back to the breeder. Just yesterday Spencer called the dog his baby sister. Sorry kiddo, no baby siblings and soon no dog. I'm really worried he's going to be sad when the dog leaves but I think we've run out of options.

Lot's going on around here. None of it feels very good at the moment but I know in time we'll be back to normal. Whatever normal is.