Working mom guilt

I feel like complete and utter shit.

My baby is sick. He's on antibiotics to address a respiratory illness. The antibiotics initially made him throw up, now he has terrible diarrhea. We tried him on acidophilus but only got one dose in before he stopped eating. He'll still nurse, and he's drinking bottles, but he's getting dehydrated and it it scaring me a lot. And I'm at work.

I talked to the doctor and we are going to discontinue the antibiotics. I talked to our nanny and he drank a bottle and ate a little yogurt and is now sleeping. And I'm at work.

When you are sick you want your momma. I feel so utterly selfish right now. I didn't have to work -- but then we moved and now I have to. Mainly it feels like my working is the best option for our family. But not today.

Waving the white flag

I think we are coming to the end of cloth diapers. They have been great and I feel like using them has been a gift to the environment but I have to tell you, diapering the baby is like roping a calf.

He hits the changing pad and rolls and crawls away. By the time you get him back on his back, he's up again. And with cloth diapers there are many steps, getting diaper folded, on him, snappi in place and then the diaper cover. By the time he's got a diaper on, we are sweating and exhausted from all the wrestling. I've finally resorted to giving him the bottle of his favorite fruity treat -- tylen*l -- to play with. And I'm aware that his gnawing on the rubbery part of the dropper could end with a call to poison control -- plus it only works as a distraction some of the time.

If we do abandon the cloth we'll use chlorine bleach free dipes to keep some of the liberal guilt at bay.

Wondering if he'll ever stop being a reminder of what could have been.

When I was pregnant the first time, I was pregnant with two friends. Not close friends, but good enough friends that I couldn't avoid them and their expanding bellies after we lost our baby. It was extremely painful to be around them and gut wrenching once the babies arrived.

Since then it has become a lot less painful, but never ceases to be a reminder of what could have been. I study these boys (now both three) and wonder how our little girl's personality would have been. Would she have been funny? Smart? Clever? I don't really see either Charlie or Gus -- I see a reminder that I should have one of those.

We now live across the street from Charlie and I see him every day. He's charming and funny and really sweet and my heart lurches just a bit each and every time I see him. It isn't horrible, but it is sad. And I think sad for Charlie because can I really be interacting with this kid when I'm intently studying how big his feet are and marveling at his exanding vocabulary? I find it all a little exhausting and, again, a lot sad. Hopefully with time he'll get to just be Charlie and not a reminder of my little girl who never got to ride a trike or run through the sprinkler or make me laugh.

Very busy

I'm not sure my baby is really a baby anymore! He is so big and strong and busy! He wakes up and is instantly on his knees, pulling up on the side of the crib or on our headboard. Changing a cloth diaper on a moving target is challenging and I can only imagine what it will be like when he's truly walking.

He'll only sit still for a split second as he comtemplates how to get where he wants to go. He is so excited to explore and does so with such wonder. He emptied my bag yesterday with such relish, squeeling as he was tossing paper after paper over his shoulder. He can stand on his own for a few seconds -- but only if he doesn't realize that he's standing on his own and he now runs when you walk him around holding his arms.

I'm so proud of my big strong boy -- but I miss my quiet cuddly guy. Luckily (!) he's been awake for at least an hour at 3:00am for the last few nights so I get my quiet time. I love the time, but really will be glad when Mr. Busy decides to sleep through the night.