I can't look

When we lost our little girl (two years ago next week) the wonderful nurses put together a memory box with pictures of her and her footprints. But I've never looked. I did when I was just back from the hospital and still so numb -- but not since then.

I keep wondering when I'll be able to look and what it means that I can't. They are in a box with all the cards and letters we got from friends and family. There's a stuffed animal (her first present from a dear friend) sitting on top. I look at the box everyday. I know what's in there, I just can't bring myself to open it.

I don't want to be "that couple"

I don't talk much with friends about our struggles in trying to get to baby. It is personal, it is painful and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I do that enough myself.

We've been invited to an event tomorrow night where, if we go, we'll see some old friends -- good friends from when we lived on the east coast. I do want to see them and I do want to catch up but then again I don't.

They all know about the pregnancy I lost at 19 weeks -- everyone does. That was almost two years ago. They don't know about the pregnancy last summer that ended with a miscarriage at eight weeks. They don't know that I'm having surgery in a couple of weeks to hack out an unwanted cyst that is getting in my ovary's way. Bastard. They don't know any of this stuff -- but I do know they wonder.

It makes me cringe to think of them looking at me, at us and feeling sorry that we aren't able to experience what it is like to be parents. They might feel uncomfortable talking about their kids, they might want to ask what's happening. But they won't, they are all far too polite.

But on the other hand, what if they aren't thinking any of those things? What if it didn't occur to them that my heart breaks into a million pieces on a monthly basis? What if they have no idea of our pain, our sorrow, our anger?

How do you reconcile not wanting to be defined by what defines you?

Self-pity, the new black

Isn't wallowing in self-pity pretty on just about everyone?

I got some disappointing news from my doctor yesterday. The ovarian cyst she's been watching doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I had a third ultrasound on Tuesday and she's pretty sure it is an endometria that will need to be removed surgically. She said we could wait 6 to 8 weeks and watch it -- but she doesn't think it'll go away -- plus we do have "the age factor". @@

So unless by some miracle I get pregnant this month (I did get a peak on my OPK on days 13 and 14 but no follie showed up on the ultrasound -- but maybe it was hiding behind the enormous cyst that has taken over my ovary?? Could happen, right??) I'll be having surgery in early September.

I know in the whole scheme of things this isn't horrible or tragic but it does mean that another month or two will go by with absolutely no chance of making a baby. That makes me sad, mad and feel really sorry for myself.

Enough from me -- I'm off to schedule a date with a surgeon.