Angst in my pants

I'm completely stressed out and go from almost hyperventilating to almost weeping. That's way more dramatic than it is, but I'm feeling overly dramatic.

I think we are going to change doctors. I love, love, love my OB but she's not a high risk doctor and she's not a specialist. I have to let go of the notion that there will be anything normal about this pregnancy and acknowledge that I'm about as high risk as they come.

So, I've been doing due dilligance and think the best doctor is the one who, when anyone describes him they start with, "he's not touchy feely." You also often have to wait hours for your appointment and he personally decides case by case who he will take. He'll take me, but only under the condition that I transfer to him permanently and he'll deliver the baby. No consultation. He also likes a lot of money upfront (don't know how much yet) so there may be no turning back. Sounds simply awful to me -- but he's the best. We have an appointment in a week and a half.

Tomorrow I'll see another doctor who is head of perinatology at a very good hospital here. He is touchy feely. He called me himself. I liked him. Problem is, he thinks most cases of IC are misdiagnosed (I suspect he's right) and he believes that most late second trimester losses are caused by some sort of infection -- and if watched properly you don't need a cerclage. But what if I do? I feel like I'd be going through this pregnancy without a net and that makes me want to pass out. I'll learn more tomorrow -- but if he'd be willing to put in a cerclage, plus do the monitoring he wants we could both be happy. We'll see how persuasive I can be.

The worst part of all of this is having to provide excruciating detail about my loss. I don't remember how much she weighed and I don't know what my white blood count was. I have to get the pathology report from when I was in the hosptal and it all makes me so fucking sad. I don't want to have to do this -- I want normal, I want my little girl. I want my doctor who knows all this shit because she was there. But I just don't think she is the right doctor and I'm not sure I could live with myself if I didn't do everything I could to bring this baby home.

Semantics for some

I'm pregnant; I'm not having a baby. I hope I'm having a baby -- that's the end goal. But as of today, I'm pregnant and that's as far as I'll go.

We've started to tell a few people about this pregnancy and in expressing their excitement they've said, "you're having a baby -- a baby!" These are people who are no strangers to our situation. They know as well as I do that I DO get pregnant, I just don't have babies. And it makes me uncomfortable. I feel the need to gently prepare them for the darkness that may be ahead of us -- all the what ifs. I wonder when I'll be able to share their confidence.

On another note, we went and looked at Lazy Boys today. I figure if I'm going to be sitting on my ass for 5 months I may as well be comfortable. I'd like the model with the bult in fridge and catheter -- but I don't think they make that yet.

So far so good, still

I'll be 9 weeks this weekend and starting to feel like we might be out of the woods for an early miscarriage. Did I really type that? I guess I should knock wood or something...

I had a great doctor's appointment this week. Baby is measuring right on target -- with a heartbeat of 183. My doctor has a new ultrasound machine with sound so we got to hear that magical sound.

I go back in three weeks for another check up and to schedule surgery for the cerclage placement. I'm a little conflicted. Ideally I'd like a perinatologist to work with my OB to treat my cervix. The hot shit IC doctor won't share -- I'd have to be seen only by him. I know a woman who went to him and his bedside manner isn't great, he's arrogant and he didn't seem to have a lot of empathy for what she was going through.

After talking to my doctor I think I just want to have her place the cerclage and see me through this pregnancy. If my cervix is at all compromised she'll have someone else do the surgery. But I feel like she's invested in this -- and in us. When we lost our little girl she came in on her day off to perform emergency surgery when I was hemorrhaging. Later she stood by the side of my bed and held my hand while we both cried. She's amazing.

Obviously there are other peris in town and I will for sure be seeing one for an amnio and to check the baby's heart (my sister was born with a heart defect). So I will be under the care of a specialist as well as my ob, just not THE guy if I stay with my OB. I think that's the right decision -- I wish I knew for sure.

And with a flicker it begins

We saw the heartbeat. The baby is measuring precisely the right size and all seems to be going as it should. The ultrasound tech said that the area that was causing the spotting before was "very well organized." Maybe the fact that I'm really unorganized made it impossible for me to understand what the hell she was talking about. I don't get it, but I'm still pleased with the results.

I go back in another week for ultrasound number three and my first real appointment with my doctor. We've got a lot of ground to cover including discussing which perinatologist to work with, scheduling the cerclage placement, discussions of bedrest, which hospital has the best NICU etc.

I've only had two years to figure all this stuff out but I just haven't. It never felt like we'd get this far -- but here we are. Scary but pretty exciting.