On deck

I had my ultrasound yesterday. I've got a lovely egg 2.4 cm just ready to start its journey from my right ovary. My lining is nice and thick.

According to Susan, my ultrasound tech, I'll be pregnant by nightfall. She's very sweet and optimistic and wow wouldn't that be something if she was right. She is the one who detected Spencer's gender at the very wee age of 14 weeks-ish so I'd like to believe in her prescience.

I had quite a wait for my appointment and on that topic, what the hell is wrong with women who go nuts about having to wait for an ultrasound or your ob? I know what happened, someone lost their baby that morning and she needed our doctor and the tech a lot more than we did. I've been the woman in the back causing havoc on the day's schedule and clearly those having a tantrum at the poor receptionist are part of that carefree group who doesn't get what can happen. I find their naivete tedious at best and a part of me wanted to tell them all the bad things that could happen to them -- or more importantly, me!

My favorite part was chatting a bit with a woman I was sitting next to -- she was there for a first trimester scan and had needed to come back to see Susan. I didn't ask why, but figured they anticipated something might be wrong so I was so happy to see her emerge with pictures. Pictures are always good. She reported that the nuchal fold was ok...next up amnio. It felt so familiar and I was so happy for her -- thrilled really. I even got teary-eyed. It is entirely possible she thought I was nuts, but instead I think it was an important moment for both of us/ a kindred spirit on the same path -- knowing where we are going, just uncertain how we'll get there.

Swinging Doors

I'm anxious.

I'm resigned to the fact that I probably won't get pregnant again. But terrified that I will. What are the odds of having two healthy pregnancies in a row? I mean for me, not the rest of the world. I can't help but imagine another miscarriage, or worse yet learning that there is something wrong later in pregnancy.

For the past two days images have popped into my head about all my losses, and surgeries, and, and, and finally a healthy baby but of course in an emergency situation.

I'm always on a gurney, looking down at my feet as we hit the swinging double doors and into the operating room. I'm never sure which experience I'm going to be reliving...delivering my daughter at 5 1/2 months, having the post-miscarriage d&c, surgery to remove the cyst, placement of the cerclage, removal of the cerclage or emergency c-section.

The closest thing I've had to a normal pregnancy is the one that was cut short. The rest have been white knuckle rides. So I wonder why my head is doing this to me -- to brace myself in case there is another harrowing journey? Or is it to convince myself I'm not brave enough to give it a try?

We might be stopping at one

I spoke to my doctor who had the results of my FSH test. Creeping up there is how she described it. It is 10.4 -- and her usual cut off for patients is 10. I'm still nursing a bit so she thinks that may have resulted in a higher number. She also said if we are feeling panicky about getting pregnant then she can refer us to an RE.

Instead what we'll do is try a few cycles on clomid, retest my fsh next month when I'm not nursing and go from there. I can't imagine doing IVF and said, and I believe, "if Spencer is all the only child we have, we consider ourselves extremely lucky." I also said I was somewhat ambivalent abouthaving another which is the wrong word -- but I've yet to find a better one. I'd love another baby but if it isn't in the cards, I'm completely content.

The thing that makes me the saddest is that we've had to stop nursing. We were only nursing just before bed and first thing in the morning and I think we're pretty close to stopping, but when I spoke to my doctor and started clomid the same day it made the decision for us. I haven't nursed him in two days. Nightime isn't too bad, but cutting out the morning session makes him really sad. And it makes me sad and also feel a little selfish.

Granted he's almost nineteen months and it is pretty close to time to stop, I had to make that decision abruptly. No gentle tapering off -- but cold turkey. And cold turkey for something that in all likelihood won't work. I think it is going to be tougher on me than him.

Add all that to a splitting clomid headache and some topsy-turvy hormones and what you have is someone who just wants to admit defeat, curl up on the couch and weep a little. While at the same time feel delighted that I have such a great family that is perfect as is.

Here we go again

Off to the doctor for day three FSH and Estrogen test
Then to pharmacist to pick up clomid
Ultrasound scheduled for Friday, March 30

We'll plan to stop by the hospital on Christmas morning to pick up our bundle of baby.