Exercise in Futility

So I chatted with my friend on Friday. Her cervix is quite short (2.2 for those of you who know about such matters).

She's completely unfazed. Her doctor spoke to her about bedrest and she couldn't possibly do that because she has to work. I was pretty direct and said you don't want to lose a pregnancy at nearly five months, I promise. She feels invincible and said a couple of times "well the worst thing that can happen is I'll end up on bedrest." Um....no. Much worse.

I had the conversation because I felt like I owed it to her and I won't bring it up again. I just hope she's right.

On other fronts I'm doing ok. Still in a bit of pain a week after surgery and that makes me really mad. Enough already, really.

We're going to the Central Coast for five days starting Thursday. Will be a nice change of scenery and quiet. Then we come home and put our dog on a plane to go back to the breeder. Just yesterday Spencer called the dog his baby sister. Sorry kiddo, no baby siblings and soon no dog. I'm really worried he's going to be sad when the dog leaves but I think we've run out of options.

Lot's going on around here. None of it feels very good at the moment but I know in time we'll be back to normal. Whatever normal is.

When you know too much

I have to have a conversation today I don't want to have but I must.

The same friend who just announced her pregnancy told me that her cervix is really short so they are going to watch her for the next six weeks or so. A short cervix at around 18 weeks in pregnancy. If you wonder where my mind raced to, you can look no farther than the name of this blog. I'm desperately worried about her -- and I know that I'm going to end up scaring the crap out of her but what can I do?

I need to know how long her cervix is, how they are monitoring her, etc. Does she need an emergency cerclage? Bedrest? Are they monitoring for infection? I don't know if she sees a high risk OB or not. Do I know more than he or she does? As frightening as it sounds I'd say probably.

I'm going to call her. I'm going to try my best not to scare her and I'm probably not going to succeed. It really isn't any of my business but if I can help her get past the scary zone for a loss due to an incompetent cervix I can't think of a more important thing for me to do. Why is doing the right thing always the hardest?

Insult meet injury

My D & C was late yesterday. All things considered it went as well as can be expected.

Two things that feel like a sucker punch to the uterus:

Yesterday I went to work for awhile before I had to go to the hospital. I got an e-mail from a friend letting me know she's pregnant and they got the amnio results. A healthy girl. I'm happy for her, really. But the timing was just rotten. She's not a close enough friend to share what is going on with us so she'll never know just how much her news stung.

A few weeks ago I entered a giveaway on a website I frequent and found out today I won. A brand new diaperbag. Great.

One thing that did amuse me. A very dear friend e-mailed that she's very angry with my uterus. Me too. You have no idea.

Over

Fourth time, not so charming.

No heartbeat. Baby stopped growing at 7 weeks.

My doctor wasn't in so we saw a new doctor. She was very sweet, giving her spiel I'm sure she gives to all parents who just miscarried. Sadly we probably have more first hand knowledge than she does about losing pregnancies. Really I just wanted to know if there was anything we needed to do/know before I speak to my doctor today. And, no, I don't think it was my fault.

I haven't heard from my doctor yet today. I'm sure the second I leave my desk she will call. I hope I can get a D&C scheduled as soon as possible. She doesn't work again until next Tuesday and I don't really want to wait until then. I considered a natural miscarriage for half a second and I don't think I can bear waiting what could be weeks for this to be over with. Plus I've heard it can be very painful and to be honest, this hurts enough.

I'm sad that mother's day is just around the corner and I'm reminded of just how astonishingly bad my odds have been for conceiving and carrying babies. I suspect we've gotten our one and only lucky break in this department and fortunately he's more than enough to make our family complete.

This sucks.

But of course

I'm spotting. Not a lot, not bright red but unnerving just the same. I feel like I've written this post before! Maybe it is just what I do? I had an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning but instead will go in this afternoon. Hoping all is well, but after so many times at bat I know the possibile outcomes. So, fingers crossed. Deep breath. Ugh.

We've been a bit torn at our house lately. I think we have to find a new home for our dog. She's great with us but has this pesky habit of biting children. I'm slightly horrified at the number of kids she's nipped (I think four or five) and the last straw was last week. Spencer's friend was standing at the door ready to leave with her nanny. Gidget barreled toward them, bit the little girl on the back and kept running. What the hell?

She wasn't provoked, she wasn't defending anyone or anything, she was just acting like an ass. We're lucky she's a little dog or she could have really hurt someone by now and I wonder what we're waiting for. It is inevitable that she's going to hurt someone eventually so I think she doesn't get to have that chance. We've tried obedience classes, a private trainer and she continues to be really unpredicatable and occasionally aggressive with kids. There's an active rescue group in our area so hopefully we can find a good home for her without kids. I have no idea what we'll tell Spencer. He calls her his baby sister. Needless to say we are really sad and feel tremendous guilt but I think we're out of options.

So, feeling a little panicky and blue. Hoping that'll turn around in a few hours.