Ambivalently Trying

I dusted off the ovulation predictor kit, spent $50 on sticks and now we're back in the game. I was mostly interested to see if I am ovulating as I'm still nursing, and lo and behold, an egg on day 14.

I do want another baby, but it seems rather soon. When you factor in my age (Gasp! 40!) and how long it is likely to take for us to conceive (forever?), the timing is right to get back in the game. So here we go.

I'm feeling rather ambivalent now, but in another 14 days I don't know how disappointed I'll feel if I'm not pregnant, but I do know I'll feel happy if I am. Definitely a new experience for me after spending three years in an almost constant state of panic about getting pregnant. We'll see how many months it takes to get over the calm and back to mania.

One short year, 365 long nights

I've reached the end of Spencer's first year with as much awe as when we began. This perfect little creature has blossomed into a sweet little boy; quick with a smile, a giggle and a shout.

He says momma, dada, banana (!), dog and all done. He knows what some of those words mean, but not all. I can say "kisses for momma" or "besitos para momma" and I get sticky open mouth kisses. He knows shoes, zapatos and is positively overjoyed when he sees a dog. He shrieks, giggles and shouts "dogog."

He is still nursing and has recently become much more aggressive in his pursuit of milk. He now will pull my shirt collar open, smile at me, look down my shirt and say mmmm....and when I ask if he wants milk he just giggles. We've started transtitioning him to cow's milk during the day, and I can't wait for the day (soon, very soon)that I can stop pumping at work. It has been more than a year. Enough is enough! We'll still nurse in the morning, evening and sadly, during the night.

For three nights in a row he has only woken up once during the night. I'm hoping that this new pattern takes because I am in desparate need of sleep. In the past year I have had one six hour stretch of sleep -- and that was a long, long time ago.

The year has been my most rewarding yet. I'm so proud of my sweet boy, and so proud of myself for hanging in there and giving him nothing but breast milk for his first year. I'm proud of my husband for how hard he tries to be the best dadda he can be, and I'm most proud of the family we've become. In sum, a perfect year. I'm so lucky and so grateful.